Update: You may also want to read the follow up post on how to tell if your husband is visiting prostitutes.
I came across an article from Oprah.com (it was syndicated on CNN, I swear) that talked about why men cheat. In the article, marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, author of the new book The Truth About Cheating, gives some interesting facts.
It’s estimated that 1 in every 2.7 men will cheat on their spouse, and that less than 7% of those men will come clean about their infidelity. It’s also interesting that 92% of the men claim that sex is not their primary motivation.
Gary Neuman makes sure to state upfront that cheating is a despicable act, and that it causes pain to the very person these men swore to love and respect. He also makes sure to let the Oprah viewers know that it’s not the woman’s fault. So…it’s not you, it’s them, right? Well….it looks like Gary also let’s women know they have to be more supportive of their husbands.
A guy named Josh tells us that he cheated on his wife because he felt “under appreciated” at home. “The insecurity was really the catalyst” Josh says. It seems Josh didn’t like the daily routine of paying bills, doing chores, taking care of the kids, so he screwed around on his wife.
Let me say for the record, I don’t get guys like Josh. And I don’t really believe him. I don’t think Josh wants to admit that he is really a shallow ass who wanted to screw around on his wife, and he knows that playing the emotion game is going to get him off the hook, at least a little.
I decided to do my own little study. I’m more qualified than M. Gary Neuman, I’m not peddling a book on Oprah. And I have known a lot of guys who cheat on their wives. And I can tell you that each and every one did so for the sex. Maybe they had a good time hanging out as well, but it really came down to the excitement of new sex with a new person.
Since M. Gary Neuman has already shared with us the reason men have affairs, I decided to focus on men who are simply having sex behind their wives back, specifically with prostitutes. So I posted ads to several Craigslist city sites asking for married men to tell me about their experiences with prostitutes. I also emailed some professional escorts directly to take a quick survey on their experience with married men.
Let me start off with the escort feedback. According to the escorts I spoke to, roughly 75% of their clients are married, often traveling on business. The ages range on average between 30 – 55, and appear to be professional men. The fact that most of these women charge the same as a high priced attorney would make me believe that these men in fact do make a good living.
According to one respondent, “they’re almost all married, and I don’t think I have ever seen one try to hide it from me. They will take calls from their wives while I’m there, talk to their kids, whatever. They sometimes show me pictures of their kids while I’m getting dressed. It’s not a big deal to them.”.
Another escort shared, “most of my out of town clients treat it (sex with a hooker) like drinking or smoking. They know their wife doesn’t like it, so they don’t tell her.”.
I asked these women if they found these married guys to be unhappy with their wives. Do they complain about them? “No, just the opposite usually. They brag about how great their marriage is” was one response I got.
Getting into the guy’s responses is a bit more of what you might expect. “What I do on my own has nothing to do with my wife. It’s a flaw, but it’s the only break I get sometimes.”. Another man stated that he thinks prostitutes actually help keep his marriage going. “My wife doesn’t feel good about herself a lot. She thinks she is unattractive and is always down on herself. But after my time with ******* (he named his prostitute for me), I’m able to be much better to her.” Isn’t that sweet? He nails hookers to help his wife deal with her insecurities.
Here’s another response I got from Craigslist, “The reason they do it because subconsciously they’ve turned their wife into their mother – this is a normal phenomenon in most couples so they can’t really have good sex with their “mothers” and more often than not the wife treats them like little boys – again, noones fault that’s just how love works – BUT men feel societal pressure to be more “manly” or to dominate someone – perhaps get out their anger or just feel “studly” – if there’s a mistress she can serve to make him feel adored and admired.”
This was a little psychobabble for my taste, so I responded asking it they were a man or woman, married or single. The response I got was “I’m a psychotherapist”. Interesting.
The fact is these men shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. If we want to find a bigger cause of the problem than guys thinking with the little head, let’s look at society. Why is it assumed that the primary mission in life for men and women is to get married and have kids? Why do we push people who maybe should be left single, into a commitment that everyone, even themselves, knows they are not going to stick to.
Most of my married friends are in terrible marriages. I think this can be attributed to both parties. Men don’t really look for a compatible soulmate, they look for the hottest woman who will have them, and trade up until they get to what they consider their pinnacle.
Women look for the potential mate, instead of what is truly standing in front of them at the alter. And then they act surprised when their husbands ditch them for some younger, prettier girl, who will now enjoy the more improved man the wife helped make.
I obviously don’t agree with M. Gary Neuman, who thinks that men’s infidelity is going to be fixed by women being more supportive. Husbands and wives should be supportive because that’s what makes a marriage work, not to keep each other from cheating. The fact is there is no simple answer. I’m not going to say it’s not women’s fault, and then tell them what they should do to help prevent it. Men and women make their own decisions in life. The only answer is to choose wisely. Not just your spouse, but your lifestyle. Not everyone needs to be married.