Update: You may also want to read the follow up post on how to tell if your husband is visiting prostitutes.
I came across an article from Oprah.com (it was syndicated on CNN, I swear) that talked about why men cheat. In the article, marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, author of the new book The Truth About Cheating, gives some interesting facts.
It’s estimated that 1 in every 2.7 men will cheat on their spouse, and that less than 7% of those men will come clean about their infidelity. It’s also interesting that 92% of the men claim that sex is not their primary motivation.
Gary Neuman makes sure to state upfront that cheating is a despicable act, and that it causes pain to the very person these men swore to love and respect. He also makes sure to let the Oprah viewers know that it’s not the woman’s fault. So…it’s not you, it’s them, right? Well….it looks like Gary also let’s women know they have to be more supportive of their husbands.
A guy named Josh tells us that he cheated on his wife because he felt “under appreciated” at home. “The insecurity was really the catalyst” Josh says. It seems Josh didn’t like the daily routine of paying bills, doing chores, taking care of the kids, so he screwed around on his wife.
Let me say for the record, I don’t get guys like Josh. And I don’t really believe him. I don’t think Josh wants to admit that he is really a shallow ass who wanted to screw around on his wife, and he knows that playing the emotion game is going to get him off the hook, at least a little.
I decided to do my own little study. I’m more qualified than M. Gary Neuman, I’m not peddling a book on Oprah. And I have known a lot of guys who cheat on their wives. And I can tell you that each and every one did so for the sex. Maybe they had a good time hanging out as well, but it really came down to the excitement of new sex with a new person.
Since M. Gary Neuman has already shared with us the reason men have affairs, I decided to focus on men who are simply having sex behind their wives back, specifically with prostitutes. So I posted ads to several Craigslist city sites asking for married men to tell me about their experiences with prostitutes. I also emailed some professional escorts directly to take a quick survey on their experience with married men.
Let me start off with the escort feedback. According to the escorts I spoke to, roughly 75% of their clients are married, often traveling on business. The ages range on average between 30 – 55, and appear to be professional men. The fact that most of these women charge the same as a high priced attorney would make me believe that these men in fact do make a good living.
According to one respondent, “they’re almost all married, and I don’t think I have ever seen one try to hide it from me. They will take calls from their wives while I’m there, talk to their kids, whatever. They sometimes show me pictures of their kids while I’m getting dressed. It’s not a big deal to them.”.
Another escort shared, “most of my out of town clients treat it (sex with a hooker) like drinking or smoking. They know their wife doesn’t like it, so they don’t tell her.”.
I asked these women if they found these married guys to be unhappy with their wives. Do they complain about them? “No, just the opposite usually. They brag about how great their marriage is” was one response I got.
Getting into the guy’s responses is a bit more of what you might expect. “What I do on my own has nothing to do with my wife. It’s a flaw, but it’s the only break I get sometimes.”. Another man stated that he thinks prostitutes actually help keep his marriage going. “My wife doesn’t feel good about herself a lot. She thinks she is unattractive and is always down on herself. But after my time with ******* (he named his prostitute for me), I’m able to be much better to her.” Isn’t that sweet? He nails hookers to help his wife deal with her insecurities.
Here’s another response I got from Craigslist, “The reason they do it because subconsciously they’ve turned their wife into their mother – this is a normal phenomenon in most couples so they can’t really have good sex with their “mothers” and more often than not the wife treats them like little boys – again, noones fault that’s just how love works – BUT men feel societal pressure to be more “manly” or to dominate someone – perhaps get out their anger or just feel “studly” – if there’s a mistress she can serve to make him feel adored and admired.”
This was a little psychobabble for my taste, so I responded asking it they were a man or woman, married or single. The response I got was “I’m a psychotherapist”. Interesting.
The fact is these men shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. If we want to find a bigger cause of the problem than guys thinking with the little head, let’s look at society. Why is it assumed that the primary mission in life for men and women is to get married and have kids? Why do we push people who maybe should be left single, into a commitment that everyone, even themselves, knows they are not going to stick to.
Most of my married friends are in terrible marriages. I think this can be attributed to both parties. Men don’t really look for a compatible soulmate, they look for the hottest woman who will have them, and trade up until they get to what they consider their pinnacle.
Women look for the potential mate, instead of what is truly standing in front of them at the alter. And then they act surprised when their husbands ditch them for some younger, prettier girl, who will now enjoy the more improved man the wife helped make.
I obviously don’t agree with M. Gary Neuman, who thinks that men’s infidelity is going to be fixed by women being more supportive. Husbands and wives should be supportive because that’s what makes a marriage work, not to keep each other from cheating. The fact is there is no simple answer. I’m not going to say it’s not women’s fault, and then tell them what they should do to help prevent it. Men and women make their own decisions in life. The only answer is to choose wisely. Not just your spouse, but your lifestyle. Not everyone needs to be married.
Dee – I will admit that I judge people too often, it’s a bad habit that I try to be aware of. But I will certainly not judge the feelings of someone who has not only been cheated on with a prostitute, but also rewarded with a lifelong STD! I think you have every right in the world to be as pissed off as you want to be. I agree with you 100%. If your husband wanted to bang hookers, he should have stayed out of your bed. You don’t get much more of a breach in trust than giving your wife an STD you got from a hooker. He is about as bad as they get.
Which is why I agree with Louise as well. I think you should move on with your life. I get the revenge idea. I myself have a hard time letting things go. But it’s just his life and time you’re wasting. This guy has already cheated you out of so much, don’t let him cheat you out of more. Clearly you could take everything in a divorce, unless of course he gets a hold of proof of your “online cheating”. Divorce his ass while you have the unarguable high ground.
You mentioned you have a couple of kids. Do they have any idea of what’s going on? Do you think they would be better off with the two of you divorced? How old are you and your husband?
Hello Ed,
Thanks for your continued dialogue. My children are 17 and 12. My seventeen year old son found porno pictures on our family computer when he was 13 year old. He came crying to me saying “He knew what his Father was doing and he would never trust him again.” When I asked my husband what they were he said they were not his. He deleted everything before I saw anything. So I had no proof. That was a year before I uncovered what he was really doing on the internet. I guess he deleted the history everytime after that.
It has been three years since I found out about the hookers. He no longer has full access to the computer in our house. He is under the parental controls that I control. He said the internet makes it so easy to go down that path. When I first found everything I did have him move out of the home. I told my son, he was 14 at the time that there was a chance he would have to choose who he would want to live with. He said he chose me. My 8 year old at the time just knew only about all the fighting.
He begged for me to forgive him and that he wanted to save our marriage. When I was going to leave him I was going to move out of the country so I would never have to set eyes on him again. It would have been hard for him to see the children. But I need to be away from him…far away. I said I would not even come to his funeral. Pretty harsh I know. I considered what my life would be like if I divorced him and have to move the children out of their home and away from the friends the grew up with. I have only stayed with him because of the children and he knows that. He tells me often how much he loves me. Will spend the rest of his life making it up to me. So I let him try. But everyday that goes by I still think of what he did and the nude pictures of all the he was with.I found them by the phone records. Most of them are all still on the internet with their own websites.
I wasn’t going to let the $275.00 hooker take everything I worked so hard for over 22 years. We still go to couples counseling every other week. And I still go to individual counseling every other week.
The counselor saved my life. She has always agreed I did not take the “easy road” staying with him. He went to individual couseling for a year and a half. They never really confirmed he was addicted to sex with hookers. Because he only said he did it once or twice a year over ten years. He said it was because we did not have enough sex together to meet his needs. His attitude was he was not hurting anyone because I never knew. Said he always felt terrible after…….said it was never good. He said all the hookers just wanted to get it over for the money. But yet he continued to do it.
I was 47 when I found out. He was 48.
Dee – It does sound like he really screwed up. It’s sad that he let this get the better of him, and in the process lost the resect of the people he loves most. As a guy, I can agree that things can be difficult. Guys sometimes feel like the whole world relies on them, and that they don’t really have anything of their own. And that is one of the motivations of seeking out a prostitute, something for themselves. But understanding it doesn’t make it ok. Your husband should have just gotten a normal hobby, and then dealt with whatever issue he felt you and he had directly.
The whole situation is sad. You do sound past the point of forgiveness, and so you really should look into just walking away and trying to find some happiness in your life.
I am so sad reading the stories of these broken-hearted women, I caught my husband using prostitutes when our son was a baby, we had the usual, sorry, sorry never do it again, and like a fool I believed him. I caught him at it again about a year ago and to be honest, I felt strong enought to throw him out, my love for him is not what it was, more like being used to having him around, which is a shame, because i did love him more than life. When I looked at my little boys face I just couldn’t do it, because despite what happened, my son loves him and he is a good father. I am still here, hurting every day, not a day goes by that I don’t grieve for what we had…..
Carol – Thanks for the comment. I’m sorry to hear you got burned twice. But I guess that’s the risk you take in a relationship. You have to trust that person 100%, so you risk getting stomped on.
How long did he last before he got caught? How did you catch him?
Add me to the long list of betrayed wives. Just before Christmas, I found an e-mail on my husband's account that was an escort replying to his request for a possible meeting time and rates. I was rocked to the point of being physically sick. Denial set in as a method of self-preservation. I have two children, aged 12 and 9, and another on the way! I had to get through the holidays and then confront him.
I have always known that my husband has a strong sex drive (don't all men, right?) Stronger than my own and he has told me this on many occasions over our last 17 years of marriage. Early in our marriage, before the internet, I found that he was calling phone sex lines. He vowed never to do it again, and it appeared from our phone records that he did not. I have always had a tinge of suspicion about him and it has effected how I feel about sex in general over the years, though I never voiced it. He has never implied that there is something wrong with me or that he does not love me or find me sexually appealing. Just the opposite.
So, until I got my courage up to confront him in some way I turned up the heat in the bedroom. Eventhough I am 7 months pregnant. He responded positively and I surprisingly responded as well. The sad thing to me is that I realized that I love being with my husband, but is it just a response to trying to "win him back" and desperately fighting for my marriage?
In reading these posts I feel foolish, inspired, not alone, fortunate, confused! I confronted my husband in a letter. I never actually told him the proof that I had, but I said that I knew he solicited whores and questioned how he could betray me. He of course said I was "way off" and that he did like to "look" but he did not have some secret life that I thought he did.Then, a few days later, he told me of the "one time" that he called for a massage while on a business trip 3 years ago and "it went from there." He actually described the entire encounter to me! Am I foolish enough to think that this was the only time? NO. He thinks that now that he has come clean, we're "Okay." I almost want to believe it as well.
I am a pretty good investigator when I want to be, and he is not very good at covering his tracks. He has joined at least 3 escort websites in the past year and a "swingers" website before that(I guess he thinks I'll join him??) He does not realize that I check his browsing history and see how often he visits and whom his is checking out. Even after we had a long discussion and he professed his love for me and only me, he continues to visit the sites. He went on a business trip and was trolling the site for local escorts! I did not bring it up again. He says that he just likes to "look." If he were just looking at porn – fine, I really don't care. But this is different, right? I have no way of knowing FOR SURE if he is meeting these whores and how often.
My Partner said he was just looking at the sites, like porn.
Then I caught him paying escorts on a regular basis.
Don't believe it!
Enough of my rambling. I came to this site to get insight as to "Why do married men cheat with prostitutes?" I have found that my husband is probably actively paying for sex more often that the one time he admitted to, and I am foolish to think otherwise. I also found that I have a decision to make. How do I feel about it and what am I going to do? Initally I felt as Louise did, I want to die. That passed, why punish my kids for my husbands weakness/selfishness and my insecurity? Revenge is too destructive to me – who really wants to live with that kind of ugliness in their heart? If I stay with him and "make him pay," I don't ever move on. I don't ever get a loving relationship for myself (and I don't ever get satisfying sex either!)
So, do I stay and insist that we work it out through counselling and hard work? Can I ever trust him? Do men who cheat ever really stop? Will I just have to accept on some level that if I want this man that I have built a family with, I have to live with the indiscretion
OR, do I leave and move on without him?
Tough choices.
Kathy, First I'm sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way, especially when pregnant. Second, thanks for sharing. You have brought some great insight into thi discussion. When you had evidence, you held it back when confronting him, so he admitted the "one time" he did it. It's nice to see that "one time" line be shown for the B.S. that it is.
I don't know your situation, but from what you have said, I don't think your husband is going to stop. Like the advice I gave before, you need to confront this in the same way you have handled your life… by taking the high road. My advice is to document everything you have, bring it to an attorney and move forward with getting this guy out of your life. Of course he will claim to change, but first you have to show that you're not going to put up with be treated like this.
I'm sure it's entered your head already, but imagine what an STD would do to your unborn child. This guy can't even contain himself for the safety of his wife and baby.
I look at it this way, if you just confront him and let it go, he will likely do this again. But if you file for divorce and kick him out, even if you let him back, it will not likely happen again. Of course you have to be ready to move forward on your own. Being a single mother of 3 is not fun, but at least you will have the self-respect you deserve, and your children will see that in you.
Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your husband, and how long have you been married?
Kathy, First I'm sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves to be treated this way, especially when pregnant. Second, thanks for sharing. You have brought some great insight into thi discussion. When you had evidence, you held it back when confronting him, so he admitted the "one time" he did it. It's nice to see that "one time" line be shown for the B.S. that it is. I don't know your situation, but from what you have said, I don't think your husband is going to stop. Like the advice I gave before, you need to confront this in the same way you have handled your life… by taking the high road. My advice is to document everything you have, bring it to an attorney and move forward with getting this guy out of your life. Of course he will claim to change, but first you have to show that you're not going to put up with be treated like this. I'm sure it's entered your head already, but imagine what an STD would do to your unborn child. This guy can't even contain himself for the safety of his wife and baby. I look at it this way, if you just confront him and let it go, he will likely do this again. But if you file for divorce and kick him out, even if you let him back, it will not likely happen again. Of course you have to be ready to move forward on your own. Being a single mother of 3 is not fun, but at least you will have the self-respect you deserve, and your children will see that in you. Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your husband, and how long have you been married?
This website is really helping me cope with everything when I read what others are going through.
Last September, I found out that my husband cheated on me with prostitutes for at least 12 years out of our 15 years’ marriage. I was devastated and hurt, and could not believe that the person I loved and trusted for 17 years had betrayed me, particularly for so long and without my notice.
The whole issue was brought up when I had blisters on my gums (which was caused by work stress and a lack of sleep – after STD test), and my husband mistakenly thought the side-effects of his taking blood-pressure tablets as contracting STDs, and told me that the blisters might be STD as he had been to message parlours only two or three times – initially claimed.
After I questioned him about Escort websites he visited 5 ~ 6 years’ ago, he then said he started about that time. (I had checked websites he visited since 1998, but never thought that he would actually go and do it.) But because he couldn’t give me rough month/year about his first visit, so I went back to look at our bank statements, and believed that he started at least 12 or 13 years ago and on average of 12 times a year, but he only admitted that it might be 12 years ago, but he could not remember his first visit (!!!!).
After few discussions, the reasons he gave me for seeking prostitutes were that:
-it took too long for me to come; (well, how about more foreplay to me)
-bored at our loving making and looked for excitements (only he talked to me);
–
-needed the attention I apparently didn’t sufficiently give him (this only came after the birth of our
only child – 3.5 years ago); and
-mid-life crisis (what, at 29 years old!)
-financial secure, so he didn’t need to worry about saving money (well, I was the one paid off
mortgage when we got married)
-we stopped going out together (he requested to have personal time on his own at weekends and
didn’t want me to go out with him sometimes after 2 years of marriage – I respected that, also I
had to study and prepared exams during that time and lasted for 6 years).
(words in bracket are my arguments)
I am 41 years old and he is 42. In an ironical way, I am glad that at least I found out this now, rather than when I am much older or contract STD/HIV.
As I cannot change the past, so I can only focus on now and future. After discussions, I’ve decided to file for the divorce and he has agreed that our daughter will live with me. He said he wanted to have a second chance, and I agreed with him, but I still wanted to file for divorce and sort out the financial and child arrangements, as I believe if he did it again, all I needed to do is pack up the bags with my daughter and go.
Call me silly, I know it’s likely that he would do again as it was his “habit” of at least 12 years, but like most women, I still hope that he wouldn’t do it again. He is a good father, and sometimes is inconsiderate like most men. I want to give him a second chance, but all my friends suggested that "I leave now, don't get hurt one more time. You didn't find out his seeking prostitutes after 12 years, how you are going to find out if he does it again."
Any comments!
Sue, I think you made the right decision. It's unlikely that he would change his behavior. It's a shame that he deceived you for so long, but he's the one who is really out someone special.
I don't buy his excuses. He knows that you feel the need to make this about how you didn't do something right, but the fact is it had nothing to do with you. He wanted to screw around with more women, it's that simple.
Hopefully you will find someone who is better suited for a commitment.
Thank you, Ed. The truth answer is usually hurt, but one certainly needs to know and confirm.
I’ve just received the decree nisi and have to wait for another 6 weeks to apply for the decree absolute. I am still bitter…15 years’ marriage and 12 years’ betray. Moreover, I have been the breadwinner of the family for last 6 years – as he felt he was bullied at work and resigned. During the last 6 years, he spent 1 year on studying a full-time MBA and last 3.5 years on looking after our daughter.
As all my side of the family and relatives are in another country, and apart from colleagues and very few close friends here, divorce means that I’d better go back to the country I grew up in order to ensure that I have sufficient emotional and physical supports as well as my daughter can be well look after by parents, brothers and sisters when I am not available.
This has made our relationship a bit more complicated as it should be. Moving closer to my side of the family means our daughter can only see her daddy, auntie and grandma once or twice a year, so I have to consider whether I give my husband a second chance after divorce or go back to where I came from as soon as the divorce is finalised.
He said he had got over the desire of seeking prostitutes, and would not do it again(!!!). I said if he kept his thing where it’s supposed to be and started to look for a job, then I would give him a second chance – as I didn’t want to deprive our daughter’s rights to her father, and I should be able to live with him if he kept his promise. If this second chance didn’t pull through, I would definitely move to my home country.
By any chance, anyone knows how long it usually takes for a betray partner to forget one’s promise? so, I can prepare for moving……. joking……
Sue, the only way it can work between you both is to have counseling by yourself and as a couple. He has to be sorry for lying to you and not caring about your health. If he can't PROVE he is sorry…then a second chance is not worth it. I'm on my way out to our couples counseling tonight. It's been three years for the first two years I went counseling every week and we went to couples every week. It's the ONLY reason I am still with him.
( My story is just like yours.) I go only every other week now. And now we still go as a couple every other week. It has not been easy. I have two children and I think that is also one of the reasons I have tried to stay together with him. But my counselor has said to me " You did not take the EASY road…on staying together."
It is so much hard work and it's like you have to start over again. So since he was unfaithful to me for 22 years with prostitutes, now it is like we have only been married for 3 years. But NOT a day goes by that I don't think of what he did to me and I will remember it till the day I die.
There is NO easy answer.
Robin, thanks for sharing your experience with me. I admire your love, determination and drive to get your marriage work.
I too, after what he has done, sub-consciously I still want to stay together with him providing no more infidelity. As he is the one wants to stay together and have a second chance, so I will give him a second chance after divorce. As long as he keeps up with his word, I will stay with him. Yet, if he does it again, all I have to do is pack up my bags and go.
I think I’ve taken a easy option for myself – let him to control his desire; after 12 years’ screwing around, I hope that he got it out of his system, if not, I’m better off starting a new life without him. Ha..ha..ha.. it’s easy to say, then do, but life has to carry on for better future, so one has no choice.
wow,ladies
what an eyeopener! i'm trying to deal with the one hooker(supposedly) my guy has told me about along with the12 years of deception about porn and stripclub outings, on every business trip and lunch breaks, and felling utterly disgusted and ashamed and what should i do and yet you guys have gone through sooo much. i'm afraid if i give my pathological liar another chance,i too will be here again. for a sec, i thought yes, maybe all guys do go through this and it's just the world we live in, but ed, it's nice to know it is not. tricia, i'm sorry you have gone through sooo much hell. i cried eading your story. then i cried for myself and my kids. how do you know an addict will recover? my liar thinks he will and one day we can renew our vows. what a joke! i'm thinking divorce and he's talking about marriage.
of course right now, he's going through the please don't leave me and i'll do anything tho make things work…says he's had an epiphany. and yes, he's trying really hard and i do believe he has an addiction and in time it will come back and become worse. shall i stay for the kids and give up my diginity and everything i worked hard for or just end it now. he has lied from the beginning of our marriage to up to 3 days ago. where he supposedly now has told me everything. he said he did not actually have sex with her, as he passed out and didn't know if she showed up at the hotel or not…but in any case the intention was there and ithe would have gone through it had he been awake.
i feel so lost and broken and know i must make a choice for myself. i'm sooo embarrassed to tell anyone, so i sit here on this website. thanks for listening.
ellin, you obviously have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is the one breaking his promise and shaming himself. And one of the constant things I heard from both husbands who cheat with hookers, and the hookers, is that it really has nothing to do with the wife. The guy just wants the excitement of getting laid. No real deep psychological reason, it's just about the rush.
After hearing from so many people on this subject, including husbands, I'm sure that your husband does love you. But he is not respecting you, and one could argue that you can't have one without the other.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to first decide if this is someone you want to be with. It may sound cold, but if you have doubts after what he has done, then it's time for you to move along with your life without him. But if you still want to be in this marriage, then you have to regain the control and respect you deserve. Which means you need to walk away for a short time.
So my advice would be to tell him you need some time to decide what you want, and ask him to leave for a short time. Then insist on counseling, where he will need to be open and honest. This shows that you're not going to be treated with this level of disrespect, but you're willing to work on things.
I know that a separation can be traumatic for your kids, but you need to think about how your mental state will affect them even more if you don't regain the respect of your husband. And what type of lesson are you teaching your kids if you let this go unanswered, especially if you're raising girls.
I think another important thing to do is to tell someone. If you're afraid about being judged by someone you know, try a therapist. You need to be able to talk through your feelings openly, without feeling like you're being judged. You're angry, hurt and embarrassed, and you need to let that out.
Good luck, and please let us know how things are going. I know that people take comfort in reading that they are not alone in this situation.
Ellin,
Sorry to hear your story. Please don’t feel embarrassed on telling your friends and family members about your situation, apart from getting things off your chest, you may find some of them gone through similar things and willing to help whatever they can – like mine. I totally agree what Ed’s advice. After taking similar approaches and assuming the worse, I knew I didn’t have the control on my husband’s “love” to me, but I certainly had control over my share of the family assets, so I decided to get divorced to ensure my daughter’s and my future financial security.
Having got the absolute decree two weeks ago, we currently live in the same house, and everything appears to be ok except sex – I said to him that I had been traumatized by the whole issue and need time to reconcile myself, so I wouldn’t have any sex intercourse with him for at least 3 months. Still, sometimes I feel sad and angry about his seeking prostitutes – time reduces the pain, but I will never feel the same again. My next step will be a lie-detector test in one or two years’ time; sad, but it’s the only way to prevent myself from looking for infidelity evidence and driving myself insane.
I know it’s very difficult to decide what you really want and weight the advantages and disadvantages of staying/not staying together – I hope, with a bit of help from your friends and family, the pain may be less. Good luck!
amanda are you from wake forest- working with imperial booking agency
i fond out my husband off 21 years has been with hookers i have since moved out off house as he would not leave he was phoning them about 30 times a day trying to get one as i got copy of phone bills i feel as if my worlds come to end hes a takie driver and can pick up any time when he wants one
Sandra, sorry to hear about that. Not much to say if someone you're with for 21 years is calling hookers 30 times a day. I know it must be difficult to go through, but your world is not over, just your world with him. If you were strong enough to walk away, your strong enough to move on. There are obviously some rough times ahead, but a year from now you will be in a much better place. Good luck.
your an idiot – how could you even dedicate a article to this topic! Whats at issue here is not the fact of whether prostitution takes place or even why men do it. It has to do with the self righteous attitudes inherent in human nature. Ass long as there's assholes like you who feel they need have an opinion there will always be a question of why its right or wrong. Anyone can paint a picture the way they see it, but it takes real thought to accept reality and human needs. My suggestion would be to examine the why's and abandon the notion of whether its right or wrong, because in essence, thats a loaded gun you shouldn't be playing with, that can be turned on you at any moment. In other words right and wrong make terrible compasses and have led to many a tragedy much greater than prostitution.
Thank you for expressing your opinion that I'm an asshole for expressing my opinion. Also, I have no idea what the hell you're trying to say. Idiot.
If two people have a "contract" (verbally or implied) to be honest with each other, than it IS WRONG when one of the people breaks that "contract".
What is your problem in understanding this?
Well I can't speak for other men but what would you do if you had a wife who simply wasn't into sex? Who never initiated, who seemed to want things to be over and done with quickly, who would not permit oral sex even when it was performed on her and not vice versa, who is reluctant to consider putting on lingerie, who is eager to give all kinds of excuses about not desiring sex, who used sex as a bargaining chip for something else. If you were a man, how would you feel about asking for sex from such a wife? Again, I'm not blaming all wives; I'm only describing my own situation. And before anyone tells me I should talk with my wife and communicate with her, i already do, hence all the excuses I've heard from her. We do, however, talk much more candidly about topics not related to our sex life, and she is much more enthusiastic about them.
Yes, feel free to call me a pig for visiting a prostitute. But pointing fingers at people does not help anyone to understand the problem, much less solve it. But you self-righteous people do what you gotta do and I will do what I gotta do.
Please also have the hooker wash your underwear, cook your meals, clean your house and raise your children! If you want to pay for sex with a hooker whos mouth has been on every other private male organ she can get money for than go for it…………..make a doctor's appointment TOO!
If you need to PAY for SEX than just don't go home to your wife…….and get in bed with her on the sheets she washed. GO find a lawyer……….and then go pay for sex with any hooker you can find.
P.S. You don't have time for a REAL releationship……..????? Did you hear it is againist the law? Thanks for the HERPES too!
Ben – I have to agree with the other reply, although I get your issue. It sounds like you're in a crappy relationship sexually, but how is everything else? Do you feel your marriage is strong in other ways?
It is a messed up situation you are in. That should be addressed post haste.
If you are lying to your woman, or betraying her trust…this is making a bad situation much worse!
You can't feel good about this. And your woman will feel something is "wrong" between you two and not be able to explain this – even questioning her own instincts; but believe me, she feels something is amiss.
You seem to be living a lie. Are you now happy?
Then divorce her already and stop being selfish. If you feel your needs are not being met then divorce her and be single and see all of the women you want! Simple! Don’t lead a person on… If your unhappy be a MAN and not some BS bunko artist and get the F!uck on already!!!
My husband of 50+ years told me a few weeks ago that when he traveled to meetings he often would call for a prostitute to come to his room to give him a blow job. I am absolutely devastated and now in the midst of a major depression. I feel that I am married to someone whom I do not really know, I am considering a divorce. He wants to try couple counseling, but I cannot imagine anything a counselor could say to undo the sense of betrayal and repulsion that I feel toward him. A divorce at 70 years old will be traumatic—but I think it might be better that looking at his face across the breakfast table the rest of my life.
So sorry to hear.but so many use hookers and there wives never know. I didn't for 22 years. But I did find out. And things will never be the same. I stay for my young children. But that was 5 years ago. Things are different now. They are not yound any more 13 and 19.
Someone PLEASE tell me……..when a hookers gives a BLOW JOB does she use a condom???
I say NO? Think how many private parts have been in her mouth? Makes me SICK. I know a man got HERPES from a stripper giving him a BLOW JOB in the back of the club.
"Men who use hookers are NOT in LOVE with their WIVES!"
Wise up the wives out there……what I learned the hard way is …..if you are not sleeping with your husband SOMEONE IS!!!! PAID or UNPAID!
Whay would ANYONE ever get MARRIED?
Hi, I recently found out that my man is a lying, cheating slut and I would like to add my 2 cents. For years my man stayed out late and spend ridiculous amounts of time on the computer while I was sleeping and when I inquired about it I was attacked and accused of being some hen pecking housewife so I let him alone. He assured me that he was 100% with me and that he wasn't doing anything wrong, that his staying out was "innocent" and his porn surfing on the net was "Harmless". One day I picked up his cell phone when he accidentally left it home and guess what? A woman was calling. At first my heart started pounding because I thought he was having an affair, but when I googled the number it was my worst nightmare come true….HOOKERS…..and not just hookers but TRANNY hookers. I threw up, really I did. After figuring out his cell phone password I logged onto his cell carrier site and looked up his phone records and was stunned to find HUNDREDS of hookers phone numbers on his account. Text messages arranging meetings and such….I was horrified. I confronted him and he went ballistic claiming that he didn't do anything wrong and that I was the bad guy for "Spying" on him. He told me I "drove" him to it and made a dozen different excuses. What a crock, For years he told me he was impotent and denied me a sex life and this is what he was doing the whole time! I now realize I am stuck with a Narcissist. He has no remorse for what he has done and doesn't care at all about the emotional pain he has caused. Just like John Edwards and Tiger Woods he did it because he felt entitled to do so. His ego is so huge he convinced himself that I held him back and that he deserved all these sluts. That's what's really behind all the cheating, their egos. And what's worse is that society lets them get away with it. If I as a female did what he did I would be condemned as the slut of the
universe but he does it and everyone makes excuses for him or looks to blame me for not "satisfying" him. What a crock of sh*t, he doesn't even want me. He just wants the little woman at home cooking and cleaning and waiting on him hand and foot then he wants to go out and be Joe Single man when it suits him. These men are disgusting pigs, no wonder so many women are turning lesbian.
I feel your pain. Some things you said were very revealing about my own situation.
You gave me a lot to think about. I can see that there is a pattern in that my partner also made me feel that I was "invading his privacy" and "spying". I believe that was when my instincts were set off, making me observant of any clues.
I was told the same thing about "impotence" as an excuse for not desiring sex. I also am living with a man that feels "entitlement". This may be a trait. I do see the patterns and caution women if they see these same cues.
Thank You.
A lot of these over sized egos are attached to narcissistic personalities that feel completely entitled to do whatever the hell they want (all words of love and commitment they made to their partner be damned) and as long as they're getting away with it they could care less about the hurt it's causing their wives. Most of them seem to be saddled with "mommy" issues as well, and so shortly after they "commit" to one woman, their dormant Madonna/Whore complexes they've been carrying around ever since "Mommy" had another baby and kicked them off their little thrones, becomes activated and germinates into full bloom. That's why they cant get their little peckers up and going for their partners; but put a stripper, a prostitutes or any other skank of that stripe in front of them and all of a sudden they become "sex addicts" who "can't control it."
I find it awfully dichotomous that these pigs (as Linda so aptly labeled them) can't "control it" when they get their overwhelming urges to sleep with anything with a pulse and a vagina, but they sure can control those manipulative preemptive lies ("oh, hey sweetpea, I've got a job bid to do so I'm gonna be a couple of hours late") and the secret bank accounts and the second cell phones and the office buddy alibis they utilize to cover up their backstabbing betrayals.
How fortunate indeed for these lying snakes, that what they so sorely lack in "self control" over their "need" to bust one off in anything that moves is sure made up for in their ability to "control" their wives/girlfriends perception of reality. They engage in extremely controlled acts of manipulation, lies and deception and yet as soon as they're busted they duck and cover, hiding behind the tired, old blanket of "I couldn't control myself." Seems awfully self serving to me, but then what more can you expect from these a-holes. That's what they live and breathe; service to self. And what better way to serve oneself (when you're a lying, cheating pig) than by breaking your marriage vows and commitments by screwing every whore in town and then skirting full accountability by pathologizing yourself as a victim of "sex addiction."
In my opinion, the term "sex addiction" itself is just a modern day cop out for good all "not having any integrity and not giving a sh*t." In other words, lacking a conscience. I'm not referring to all people who cheat, but when it comes to serial-cheaters, I think at best they are narcissists and at worst, full blown sociopaths. If they really felt so "terrible" about the intense pain and suffering they cause their wives and girlfriends when their lies and manipulations are finally exposed, they wouldn't have called up that second hooker, or the third one or the fourth..etc. Guilt and remorse as an evolutionary development in humankind developed for a reason; so that the first time we screw over or hurt someone…WE DONT IT AGAIN.
Serial cheaters don't lack "self control," what they lack is a conscience
Wow, you are in a very bad mood.
It’s mostly the women’s fault. You can’t blame us for getting aroused and cheating when there are so many sexy and scantily clad women around us all the time. Sure, it’s theoretically possible not to cheat in such an environment, but not very practical.
AMEN!! Unacceptable behavior! To do the same thing over and over is flat out selfish and having no regard for others feelings. It is flat out of ill repute. I am going through this now with my soon to be EX husband because I am sick of the I was drunk speech and that’s why I did it BS. What a coward! It’s a weak individual whom can’t control his own actions. Well he now is losing a beautiful family over this! He will get what he deserves!!
I agree with most that you say. So what if your obviously passionate about the issue? To all the people reacting negative to you is probably because they feel attacked aswell for being the same kind of disgusting people o.0.. Anyway, I couldn’t stand reading how many ignorant people are attacking you for your opinions and trying to put you down. Hope you know there’s someone that understands and cares 🙂
Haha I could have written that a little better but you get the gist of it:).
Maybe if you hit the treadmill he’d be able to get his “little pecker” up for you too.
Kim, please REMEMBER not ALL of them wanted to be there, thousands of girls have been tricked into trafficing, This is a VERY sensitive subject for me and to anyone else out there I DO NOT want to hear any negetive comments about MY opinion and the fact Ive been hearing from former prostitutues that were RESCUED. Kim please dont call them that skanks, Kim do you even know what happens to most of them if they DONT act the way they do? Kids and woman get kidnapped for stuff like this, one prostitute would ask several of her ‘customers’ if they would help her get out of this, and the customers reponse? “Sorry theres nothing I can do.”. Some get a knife at there throat or literally get there hair pulled out of there hair by there roots. Some they’ll drug and then they get addicted to the stuff and get stuck where they are. Kim they get BEAT if they dont sleep with these men, You find a selfish man, thats where they flock, Ive read thousands of comments on how guys LOVE going there because theres so much “variety” and its straight forward and one man even commented on how he didnt want his prostitute to like the sex because HE IS THERE TO GET WHAT HE PAID FOR, HE ISNT THERE TO MAKE HER ENJOY IT. I have even heard wives say they would rather have there husband see a prostitute just for sex! MY GOD! THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS AND A HUGE NUMBER OF THEM WERE TRICKED INTO THIS LIFE OR WAS COMPLETELY DESPERATE, YET MOST OF THE MEN GOING THERE KNEW, THEY HAD SOME KIND OF IDEA THAT THESE GIRLS WERE TRICKED INTO THIS AND WANTED OUT! ITS FUNNY THEY LOOK LIKE US, THEY HAVE NEEDS LIKE US AND WANTS AND DREAMS AND FEELINGS BUT NO! They get ignored because some guy wants a boner taken care of. LOL! Some guys say there upset because the girl isnt showing any emotion towards the sex, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM?! I was raised to learn that when someone desperately needs help cause there suffering your supposed to help them, why are woman these sex objects? Please kim just dont call them skanks or anything like that, because you need to remember most of them were tricked nomatter what these selfish jerks say, and that stupid excuse about how prositituion reduces rape is bullshit. They get raped, numerously actually, and I dont mean by there paying customer. I thought america was a free land….I can see thats bullshit now…and the whole reduces rape shit just makes me think of the excuse well its better them that me…if there is one guy out there that can atleast admit to me that he KNOWS prostitution is wrong, please just tell me, I need to hear that, I need to know that despite what your doing theres still good in you, cause atleast your acknologing that what you did was wrong instead of bsing and making up excuses. I dont want to give up on you and say you’ll never change, I want to hope that someday you’ll say that your not there for the prostitute your there to help the human being who is being used, who has no real rights or privlages that you do and help them somehow get out of there and give it to them, please I just need to hear that, I cant stand hearing all these stories of people who are suffering and noones doing anything to help them or even thinking of helping them because there too busy helping themselves…Thats all I have to say on this issue sorry if I waisted your time and please dont bother commenting on this if you disagree.
i just found out my bf of over 2 years has been calling prostitutes and obviously been visiting them. We have a 9 month old baby together. I found his phone bill from last year and called a number that appeared 25 times only to find that it was a call girl. He made these calls while i was pregnant and when i confronted him he said i am mad! I knew he was into porn and had a suspicion but always thought i was being paranoid. we do not live together because we were having problems and i have been on my own with the baby since she was 3 months old. We were trying to work things out but after finding out about these call girls there is no way i could ever take him back. He is an asshole who doesn’t deserve me or to have a beautiful baby girl in his life. Thank God i never married him. I love my daughter with all my heart and i will not put her through living with an abusive narcissist. She doesn’t need a father and she has all the love and happiness in her life.
We women are always trying to work at relationships for the sake of our children. If these men ever even gave a damn about their children and their relationships, would they actually do these things?
Mary – Sorry to hear about your bf. I would say that if he is just going to lie about the issue, then you don’t have much choice buy to leave him. Did he have anything honest to say about the whole thing?
Hi Mary,
This seems to be the stock excuse that they were "just calling numbers for a thrill and didn't do anything". That's the BS excuse I got and I was stupid enough to fall for it at first until I found out he has been calling for years. I even saw one of this text messages where he asked a tranny if it could cum on him. I threw up in my mouth on that one. Whenever I attempt to resolve this with him he starts verbally abusing me for all to hear so that I will be humiliated into submission. Mine started with the porn thing too and even though I strongly object to porn I finally gave up and let him have it because I thought it would keep him faithful. I didn't want to be some henpecking type woman because I thought that would drive him to cheat. How stupid was I? Porn is a warning sign. So is freaking out if you look at his cell phone. Or ranting and raving about "spying". Maybe we could all list our "signs" to help out other women. I wish someone had told me the signs before I wasted my whole life with this sad excuse for a man.
And your last sentence is spot on Mary.
hi Ed.
no honesty at all. He says he doesn’t know about the numbers, and nothing happened. His usual response to questions on where he’s been when he goes out at night is either he cannot remember or he just ignores the question and behaves as if i am interrogating him even if i am just asking out of interest.
I am 28 and he is 37 and frankly there’s no excuse for his behaviour. He’s not a child and he’s not trapped in this relationship, so he could have always just moved on instead of going around behind my back. There’s nothing i need from him and he doesn’t even need to do anything for our baby. I have my own house/car and i have enough money so i could stay at home and look after our baby till she’s at least one.
We’ve had so many problems because i was never accepted by his family which i now see that he has been using as an excuse so he doesn’t need to commit. We were living together and after all the problems i decided to move back to my home city so he’s 600km away. Now i realise that this was the best decision i could have ever made. The only good thing that came out of our relationship was our baby.
Sounds like a good move to leave his ass. If he’s just going to lie about it, what’s the point? Find someone better. BTW, your accents are hot over there! You would have no problem in this country finding a new guy.
thanks Ed! As soon as the world cup is over, i’ll be packing my bags. Lol. I wish!
thanks Linda,
Can you believe he actually thinks that i am going to just overlook this even though he hasn’t even given me any explanations. And he behaves as if nothing has happened. And he even said to me that i never trusted him and i responded by saying that even if i never trusted him, that should not excuse his behaviour. And to think i really did trust him.
He is just so unbelievable. It’s like dealing with someone who has no conscience.
I feel like he is using the baby as a pawn to get his way, anything to get what he wants. He just says whatever it takes to keep us but it all ends up being lies.
I know what you mean by not wanting to be the ‘spy’ and you just end up wondering if you have gone mad for not just taking his word. He even said to everyone that i was mad.
These men are just sick. They feel nothing for anyone. They are not capable of changing.
They're disgusting Mary, I often wonder what goes on in their minds and how they look themselves in the mirror knowing they are emotionally destroying another human being. My Bf keeps insisting that it is me who is in the wrong, that I broke HIS trust by spying on him. He's also still insisting that all he did was make calls and he swore on his mother's grave that he did nothing more then just "talk". Aside from the fact that this wreeks of BS, what hooker wants to sit and chat on the phone for free? I asked him what he says to these women/trannys and his response was to become really angry and tell me to just drop it. He tells me I am OBSESSING about nothing. So I guess I am just supposed to put my head up my ass and accept that he's a lying, cheating, mentally unbalanced person? Unreal isn't it?
Ask yourself this Mary, If all he had on his cell phone were his family, friends, ect why would he give a rat's fat ass if you looked at his phone? I don't mind at all if he looked at mine and I don't care if he sees my cookies on the computer because all I look at is gossip and shopping sites. Maybe I should start surfing sites with lots of penis pics and men's phone numbers for escort service and see how he likes it. Maybe I'll just set my desktop pic with a large erect penis so he has to see it every time he logs on. I'm in an evil mood.
know exactly what you are going through. The emotional abuse is terrible and you almost start to believe you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
But it is NOT normal and getting away from him will be the only way to keep your sanity and your self respect. there are good, decent men out there, and he is not one of them. And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if you just forgive him, he will change. Cos’ he won’t. If he really was capable of changing, would he not already have done so?
I always thought i should be the one to make it work for my baby’s sake but how is an unhappy, emotionally abused woman going to bring up a confident and self respecting daughter? my baby is really happy and doing so well without her dad around. When he is around, i end up so tense and stressed that she becomes unhappy. It’s just a rollercoaster, when he is with us he can be so charming but after a few hours of him going back to his place we end fighting.
Oh, he still denies making the calls at all even though no one could have used his phone cos’ he had a password.
The lying bugs me more than anything. if he has a sex addiction and apologized profusely at least I could have some residual respect for him for being honest, but no, he just keeps lying to me like I'm stupid. I checked out several of the escort web pages linked to the phone numbers on his cell and they all say "Do not call me and ask questions that are answered in my ad or I will hang up on you". These girls aren't interested in chit chatting. He has text messages from several trannys who say on their web pages that they do not accept texts so if they are accepting his messages he must be a "regular" don't you think? It's bad enough to have your man treating with prostitutes but the tranny thing makes me sick to my stomach. Is he gay? What freaking sex is he engaging in? Is he taking it up the butt from them? Do I need an AIDS test? What the hell? Has my whole relationship been a fraud? I am under so much stress I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack you know? He says he has only been calling these numbers for a few months but that's crap because I downloading his cell records dating back two years and those calls are there. In fact, he called 7 prostitutes on my BIRTHDAY!
I apologize for the bad spelling, I am drunk and just realized I made several typos. Stress!
i really think you should get away from him ASAP. You need to think of your own sanity. He is not worthy of you. Do not even bother trying to verify what he says. U already know he is a pathological liar. Am glad i moved away from my bf 6 months ago because of other problems. And i stayed with my family until i sorted myself out. And now i feel i am getting back to who i really am. Finding this out about my bf just proved that my instincts were right all along.
If you want to chat further, mail me on [email protected] and i will give you my private email.
Where am I supposed to go? I don't have any where to go or any way of supporting myself. Just to let you know what's going on, he has been acting all sweet for the past 2 days and all of a sudden there are no phone calls of any kind, even normal ones, on his cell. He is still swearing on a stack that he did nothing and that he just chatted with these freaks but I don't buy it, it just doesn't make sense. On May 26th alone he texted back and forth with a tranny 16 times in a 20 minute period. WTF? I went to the ad for this tranny escort and this person clearly states that they do not accept texts. So why is he/she accepting HIS texts and so many of them? Is he having an actual relationship with these people? I cannot get a straight answer. I asked him today how long he has been communicating with hookers and he told me that he has only been doing it for a few months but I know for a fact that is a lie because I have his cell records dating back to 1/09 and there are dozens of calls every single dam day to escorts, massage parlors and peep show places. What in the hell is going on? Honestly I could deal with this so much better if it was just female hookers but the tranny thing is totally freaking me out because I have this disgusting image in my head of what he is doing with the tranny's peen. Seriously it's gross.
I will contact you Mary, ty.
Ouch. I found out about a month and a half ago that my husband of 12 years has been calling prostitutes for oral sex when he is traveling on business.
His first time was in 2006 when I was pregnant with our first daughter. Now I have a 3+ year old and an 8 month old.
He has moved out of the house and we have signed a Separation Agreement.
My eldest daughter is being told that he broke the marriage rule and while he is a good daddy he is a bad husband…
She is sad.
Why does the burden fall on our shoulders to maintain? I am ready to break.
He goes to Sex Addict meetings and Celebrate Recovery meetings and a therapist…he says he wants to repair us…
I don’t know what to do at this point.
First, I would have to ask why you\’re sharing anything about this with your 3-year-old daughter? All she would need to know is that he is living somewhere else for a short time. There is not reason to lessen her respect for her father for the sake of making you feel better. I can\’t imagine the damage you have done to this girl.
I\’m sorry if I seem judgmental on this, I usually try to sympathize with the wife who has been cheated on, but telling a 3-year-old girl that her father is someone who can\’t be trusted…you might as well get her a pole to practice on, and an abusive alcoholic to start dating.
Second, if you\’re husband is really going through all this to make himself better, then maybe you should consider putting some effort in yourself. There is not doubt that he is the one who screwed this up, but it will take both of you to save the marriage.
Actually he was the one who came up with the “broke the marriage rule” thing. He was living in the guest bedroom for two weeks or so after I found out and she wanted to know where he went at night, he told her he was going to school adn church to become a better man because he had broken the marriage rule.
I certainly am not telling her anything to make myself feel better – and yes, that seems a little judgemental on your end.
She understands that and she also understands he loves her very much and he is a good daddy.
I don’t know if I want to save the marriage.
I'm sorry Claire but I find it a little hard to believe he told you to tell his daughter that,and even if he did it's up to you to protect her. I agree with Ed. I thinlk you enjoyed dragging his name through the mud. Just be honest!
I don’t think that dragging ones’ name through the mud is such a bad thing…..especially if the cheater makes himself out to be a “good guy” with everyone and is a self righteous prick……serves them right for being liars.
Hi Ed & Co,
I now this is an old thread but hope I can get some sort of advice. Came across this sit whilst trying to get some sense/advice from google.
I have to say I was shocked, saddened and in some ways felt comfort that I am not alone in this situation.
Reading these entries was like reading my story. Identical with the feelings of betrayal, shock, horror and physical sickness all the women described. Identical in the way when I confronted my fiancé, I got denial right up until I showed the physical proof. Denied, denied, denied and made he indicated that I was mad/wrong – he was adamant he had not visited any web sites etc. Lucky I was smart enough to copy and save emails I had found where he had sent mails to women from Craig List. Before he deleted them.
My story: (sorry will try not to ramble)
We are both in our early 30’s and have been together just over a year. He asked me to marry him 4 months after dating and quickly moved in together. We were inseperable, almost to the point of obsession with each other. We were the couple that outsiders described as having the perfect relationship they wanted, full of passion & love.
3 months ago I noticed in the history of our home computer he was viewing singles porn sites and found a site where he had uploaded explicit photos of himself. I confronted him that night and he said he was sorry, BEGGED me to stay etc etc. I left him the following day and he besieged me with calls/text saying all the stuff I was hoping (like everyone else described, I’ll get help/this will never happen again/I will delete etc) Like a fool I believed him.
We attended relationship counselling and after only 2 meetings she graduated us. She said she could see that he was committed to us, we didn’t need to return as she could he had had learnt his lesson and felt he would never go down that path again. As she was a professional, I believed her.
Fast forward 3 months and I checked his email history and saw that he emailed a hooker from craig list asking for rates & services. Once again, my heart exploded and the old feelings of betrayel returned. I confronted him, he denied it, and I left.
This was 2 weeks ago and I am struggling to breathe, left alone, live.
Problem is, I still love him. Can he change?
Can we be saved?
CJ, it sounds like you did what you could, and that once again this is a guy who just wants what he wants. I’m sure he expects you to be faithful and honest, but he doesn’t think he should be held to the same rules of marriage.
Someone like you is not going to have a hard time finding someone better. Not every guy is like this.
Have been reading this for some time, What I can tell you from my perspective is, its not about growing or being selfish. When its about sex, men are driven by the instinct, just like any other animals, I personally don’t think human race cannot practice monogamy, its not in us. We are trying to fake it by means of marriages, soul mates…etc. We are just confused people.
thats fukkin depressing
PS: I should add, that the main difference between me and the other posters is we BOTH had a very high sex drive. We would have sex DAILY sometimes 3-4 per day, i never denied him anything, as in i wore outfits, did everything he wanted (nothing degrading). We had sex everyday for more than 365 days…..
we appeared compatible in every sense of the word. I miss him so so much. 🙁
I'm so sorry. I wish to hell men wouldn't get married if they want to lead these life styles of visiting hookers and strippers. Just say fukkin NO to marriage or break it off in a relationship to save the woman any bullshit down the line! We can do bad on our own and will definatly survive if you say no to marriage or a relationship with us! I understand they have addictions or whatever but PLEASE fukkin save other people your lies and bullshit. Life is to short for us to waste our time with men who lie and cheat!
I have such a tough time with all the (mostly) women who are in such turmoil over their husbands cheating on them! Have a look in the mirror! Are you someone YOU would like to be with?
I had to face that very reality my wife is a chronic cheater! She came clean on a couple of her affairs and turned my world up side down! I had two options stick around and be the man she needed! Or tell her to pack her bags! I stuck around! Started working out and getting into better shape, spending quality time with her only to find out it still wasn’t enough! SO I told her if some thing interests you do it! Tell me about it and use a bit of discretion, maybe once a year kinda thing.
She has and she is much more tolerable in three years she’s been with one guy.
However! When I went out, spent time with a girl. My wife raged and fumed! Screaming crap of betrayal and disrespect. It has burdened my life immensely! Now I have an even larger madonna whore complex built up in my mind! That spiel in the article about man subconsciously making his wife into his mother is close to the point. It is really a unavoidable natural relationship trait. The man provides for the home, the woman creates the home with what the man provides! Soon children come into the picture and the women adapt less time is left for the man. Life exhausts couples and when they do get free time they crash become selfish. Soon the nagging begins, budgets are applied and dreams get quenched! Suddenly the man’s world hasn’t changed other than his responsibilities, but his sexual lover (wife) is now his mother telling him what he can and what he cannot do!
C.J. He won’t change, You can love him but realize he needs more then You are willing to offer. Changing him will make him into someone you didn’t fall in love with!
Essentially he requires more raw sexuality in a relationship, essentially taboo quickies like couples have when they first get together! Its a pheromone chemical interaction, releasing dopamine and other endorphins making you feel gooood! Less of the romance novel/movie build up and foreplay.
Women require less of the raw sex part …. enjoy it but require the part men are looking for.
THAT SAID! A relationship requires give and take to stay on top if you just take you will take you and your relationship off balance and will both have to struggle to get back on top!
Continued…My question is: I want full physical custody – we will have joint custody, but I want full physical custody – where they reside with me, i make all of the medical, educational decisions,and I want child support.
Since my husband has been involved with this – does this increase my chances of getting full physical custody of my girls? I cannot have my beautiful daughters involved in this potentially dangerous lifestyle. I fear for my own safety and theirs. I do not know who these women are or who they are associated with. I have documentation that my husband discusses my children with these prostitutes!!!
Any advice anyone has one from a personal experience, please share.
Awww Jane, firstly * hugs * from cyber space. Im the above poster who has also experienced the shock, anger & grief you must be feeling (along with a thousand other emotions).
Secondly, I, like you , decided to leave and for that I say WELL DONE. I understand it is hard, but I read all of these posters with interest and a majority decided to stay with them. Im not judging anyone, but I don’t feel that these men deserved second, third and maybe more chances. The ladies deserve better. (I’d be interested to find out how everyone is going now…especially as a lot of time has passed….i have sooo many questions, did they do it again? Were they able to rebuild the trust? Are they still together? Anyways, I digress)
Anyway, you sound like a strong woman and do not deserve to be treated like this by the man you love. Not sure what art of the world you’re in, but have you tried talking to a solicitor/lawyer about your legal rights and options? You should be able to get free advice over the phone hopefully.
Definitely try and research all options and ask your friends/relatives if they have any contacts in the legal world that can point you in the right direction.
I wish you luck, and time will help. Surrounds yourself with loved ones. Strength to you and your girls x
Well I know most of you may not like my point of view, but I have a story also….. I caught my boyfriend of 3 years – he had been with a prostitute, he didn't deny it. I was hurt and thought it was the end of our relationship. I thought about it and decided to sit and talk to him about it instead of just ending things, I love him and we have so much fun together (let me also say we are both 45 yrs old). So I asked him why? What does she do that he felt the need to step out and with a prostitute no less…As he was telling me of his encounter, I wrinkled my nose.. (yes I asked for every detail)….A lot of men have some sexual "kinks" that us normal prudish wives/girlfriends wouldn't dream of doing for them..although we sometimes think we are getting wild and kinky in bed…we are no match for what they get if they pay for a service. So all I asked him for was honesty, I wanted to know when and where he was going. He gets his kinks out a couple times a year and I get honesty and know he will always come home to me. His desire to see a prostitute had nothing to do with me, my looks, my body type or anything else, I was not doing anything wrong – there were just a few sexual things he needed over and above what I could give him or wanted to give him. His encounters do not even usually result in intercourse – he can get that at home, so he figures why pay for it? I don't feel that him being with a prostitute in any way means he loves me any less, I know he loves me with all of his heart….I think we actually have a better relationship since all of this has happened. So ladies, if you truly love your man, sit down with him – I know it hurts, I have been there. But just sit and listen, no yelling or crying – let him tell you why he felt that need or desire..ask questions, let him know how you feel…and work on fixing it if your able….I realize the relationship we have does not work for most…but it seems to work for us……just my opinion….
I have to say that on some level I agree with you. My boyfriend has not cheated on me, yet (that i know of) But, I'm workig on discovering why he cheated on his wife, beyond the fact that they were unhappy. He watches tons of porn, which does not bother me. He is into very kinky stuff, which i love doing too. So maybe he will not do it to me. Our sex life is fantastic. But I agree about the communication…the more you talk about what you need…the better it will be. I don't think personally that I would be able to allow him to go see a prostitute. I am too concerned about the health risks. I just asked him to go and get tested, knowing he has been having sex with a high risk population.
I recently started dating someone that I have known for three years . 5 months ago he went through a separation and we got together. He is one of the most kind individuals I have met. We moved in together, he has a son who stays with us one week on one week off. Two weeks ago he left his email open and I discovered that he was soliciting hookers online when he was married. When I confronted him he felt ashamed and embarrassed and "outed". I knew from before that he had a terrible marriage, there was no sex he felt trapped etc. So, when he told me this i knew he was sincere and not just saying it as an excuse.
Initially he tried to tell me that he just went to rub and tugs, but I found another email suggesting otherwise so he came clean.
I don't know what to do? Should I get out now? I don't know if i can trust this man. He swears he is changed, that i have changed him and that he did it because he was so unhappy. I scared the shit out of him, he never thought anyone would ever catch him. I've forwarded all of the emails to a private email account. If I catch him doing it to me i'll send them off to his ex wife.
I hope you left him….if they do it once, they’ll do it again…..
Cathy, I totaly agree with you. I honestly don't know why some of these women consider a hooker ( a transaction) a threat I think most of the time they can work this out…no hooker will ever fall in love with your hubby and men don't go to them to make them breakffast the next morning My husband and his friend used different ones each time so it didn't even have any thing to do with the hooker they choose. A mistress or anyother woman who is havinga REAL relationship with your hubby is when you might as well let it go….I think a hooker is a lot less of a threat!
Ummm, Morgan, sorry I call BS. I cant speak for all women, but for myself (having been there, so I KNOW the pain that goes with it – I left him) the biggest stab in the heart and hurt was the lies and conniving behind your back. If you are happy for your man to stick his peen in someone else and then come home to you, power to you, but this for me is un-acceptable.
Are you happy to risk diseases and STI’s? You have no respect for yourself, and nor does your man. Is these the values you were raised with?
Lala….. I didn't say it wasn't devastating just that I would find a mistress who has an emotional affair much more upsetting. My husband saw hookers off and on for two years that I knew of,after he told me about it he was tested and had nothing thank god. We even went back after the window period,still clean.
Then he had an affair with a the vice prsident of his company. He had been seeing her for one month before I got herpes and (gonorea) spelling? sorry. She was the one who ended up giving it to both of us,she was married and on a website that supports infidelity called Ashley Madison.com so she was banging other married men behind her hubbys back….never had to worry about the whores just the VP of his company who later sent my kids naked pictures of her. I ended up pressing charges and a restraining order,so my point was the whores were alot less of a threat and the VP was the disease infested whorw in the end. BTW I use "my husband" in the past tense,other than this I won't repond back to the baiting comments you made. I'm not into internet cat fights
Oh wow Morgan, so sorry that you husband put you through this. And to give you herpes, my gosh, I cant imagine what it’s like to have that reminder for the rest of your life. What a pig (your husband, not you. Oh, and if you still have the photos of the whore that sent your kids photos (What a class act. Not.) You should set up a fake account advertising her phone number or something).
Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound aggressive towards you, it just makes me so mad to read or hear of stories where someone has had an affair (with a friend, colleague, heck ANYONE) where they go behind your back and lie, and appear to lead double lives, then when caught, they continue to lie until they are presented with evidence and lie again saying ‘ooooh, it will never happen again, im sorry blah blah blah’ and a majority of us believe them because we love them.
And THEN! In a matter of time, they do it again……Im glad I left my ex, as with all the above posters, he probably would have done it again (ooops, I have a sex addiction, I relapsed) Im sorry that you forgave your husband for him to only do it again.
For me, an affair is an affair, regardless of if it’s with a stranger, friend, colleague etc, a hooker (though not emotional as some argue) is still bad enough as there is money exchanged. Money that should be spent towards YOU as a family.
My (now ex) partner had an emotional affair with a prostitute 4 years ago…..while still married to his ex-wife. This went on for months and apparently the hooker wanted him to leave his wife for her. He wouldn’t do it……it was okay to F@#$ her but not to have a committed relationship with her. He told me all sorts of stories about visiting hookers when he was married to his ex. He is an alcoholic…..his wife was over his antics with the drinking and would barely touch him let alone have sex with him…..so he started visiting prostitutes because they made him feel “good” about himself…..um…….aren’t they paid to do that? And why did I still involve myself when he said he’d done the things to his wife that he’d done?…..my self-esteem was shot to bits and I was vulnerable…..he was there, available and he seemed a nice guy……and these stories didn’t come out until later in the r/ship when we had committed to one another……not all stories are cut and dried….
Ive just found out that my husband has been using the internet to view porn and look at spanking and humiliation sites and has actually been to a prostitute to act out his fantasies. To say I was shocked is an understatement! We have been married for nearly 20 years and have 3 children, I cant say that our marriage has been a bed of roses as I have also had to deal with the fact that my husband was drinking behind my back but despite this I thought we could make it work. I feel such an idiot for putting up with all his crap for him to turn around and visit prostitutes for kinky sex.
HI Ed,
It's me again; the one who did not sign up officially with this site because I did not see how to. Well, right after typing that comment, I found how I could join. I guess my brain is so stressed at times, that I do not see straight, but if you could please tell me if I would be anonymous on your site, I would love to tell my story and receive the great comments and feedback that I have been reading.
Thanks a bunch!
Passion. RELAX!!! He's not going to post your info plus you make up a user name and you can EVEN make up a email ding dong!. You act like you're being screened by the CIA. It's a freakin intenet website board, There's hundreds of comments on here….slow down! post a comment,wrie your user name and a fake email if you want…..jesus
If you delete cookies what are the odds your narcissist is going to come to this board out of millions on the web and read all these comments?
I recently found out my husband of 15 years has been cheating on me with prostitutes. I found receipts to cheap hotels and lots of cash withdrawals from his business acct. He has looked me in my eyes and lied to me for years. He and I have always had a great sex life or so I thought. I, too love sex and want it often! Im a good catch with the ability to take care of myself! Of course he’s sorry and remorseful but that’s just too damn bad! I want be taking this crap from anyone! So I kicked his butt out and I’ll take the new freedom to continue to raise our son and advance my career! I’ve been fooled for years and he would have continued if it weren’t for that 1 day I accidentally saw his acct! I’m grateful for that day! So ladies stop giving these jerks the knives to stab you in the back over and over again! I loved my husband but I love me more. I respect me even If he doesn’t. He proved it by doing it over and over again. Men don’t be crying and declaring your love when you get caught… You knew it was wrong before you took the 1st step but you did it anyway. If you’re going to be stupid… Be tough and accept the consequences of your actions! I don’t care why you did it… The fact is you did. Ladies run away from this crap and love yourselves! I feel free now!