Update: You may also want to read the follow up post on how to tell if your husband is visiting prostitutes.
I came across an article from Oprah.com (it was syndicated on CNN, I swear) that talked about why men cheat. In the article, marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, author of the new book The Truth About Cheating, gives some interesting facts.
It’s estimated that 1 in every 2.7 men will cheat on their spouse, and that less than 7% of those men will come clean about their infidelity. It’s also interesting that 92% of the men claim that sex is not their primary motivation.
Gary Neuman makes sure to state upfront that cheating is a despicable act, and that it causes pain to the very person these men swore to love and respect. He also makes sure to let the Oprah viewers know that it’s not the woman’s fault. So…it’s not you, it’s them, right? Well….it looks like Gary also let’s women know they have to be more supportive of their husbands.
A guy named Josh tells us that he cheated on his wife because he felt “under appreciated” at home. “The insecurity was really the catalyst” Josh says. It seems Josh didn’t like the daily routine of paying bills, doing chores, taking care of the kids, so he screwed around on his wife.
Let me say for the record, I don’t get guys like Josh. And I don’t really believe him. I don’t think Josh wants to admit that he is really a shallow ass who wanted to screw around on his wife, and he knows that playing the emotion game is going to get him off the hook, at least a little.
I decided to do my own little study. I’m more qualified than M. Gary Neuman, I’m not peddling a book on Oprah. And I have known a lot of guys who cheat on their wives. And I can tell you that each and every one did so for the sex. Maybe they had a good time hanging out as well, but it really came down to the excitement of new sex with a new person.
Since M. Gary Neuman has already shared with us the reason men have affairs, I decided to focus on men who are simply having sex behind their wives back, specifically with prostitutes. So I posted ads to several Craigslist city sites asking for married men to tell me about their experiences with prostitutes. I also emailed some professional escorts directly to take a quick survey on their experience with married men.
Let me start off with the escort feedback. According to the escorts I spoke to, roughly 75% of their clients are married, often traveling on business. The ages range on average between 30 – 55, and appear to be professional men. The fact that most of these women charge the same as a high priced attorney would make me believe that these men in fact do make a good living.
According to one respondent, “they’re almost all married, and I don’t think I have ever seen one try to hide it from me. They will take calls from their wives while I’m there, talk to their kids, whatever. They sometimes show me pictures of their kids while I’m getting dressed. It’s not a big deal to them.”.
Another escort shared, “most of my out of town clients treat it (sex with a hooker) like drinking or smoking. They know their wife doesn’t like it, so they don’t tell her.”.
I asked these women if they found these married guys to be unhappy with their wives. Do they complain about them? “No, just the opposite usually. They brag about how great their marriage is” was one response I got.
Getting into the guy’s responses is a bit more of what you might expect. “What I do on my own has nothing to do with my wife. It’s a flaw, but it’s the only break I get sometimes.”. Another man stated that he thinks prostitutes actually help keep his marriage going. “My wife doesn’t feel good about herself a lot. She thinks she is unattractive and is always down on herself. But after my time with ******* (he named his prostitute for me), I’m able to be much better to her.” Isn’t that sweet? He nails hookers to help his wife deal with her insecurities.
Here’s another response I got from Craigslist, “The reason they do it because subconsciously they’ve turned their wife into their mother – this is a normal phenomenon in most couples so they can’t really have good sex with their “mothers” and more often than not the wife treats them like little boys – again, noones fault that’s just how love works – BUT men feel societal pressure to be more “manly” or to dominate someone – perhaps get out their anger or just feel “studly” – if there’s a mistress she can serve to make him feel adored and admired.”
This was a little psychobabble for my taste, so I responded asking it they were a man or woman, married or single. The response I got was “I’m a psychotherapist”. Interesting.
The fact is these men shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. If we want to find a bigger cause of the problem than guys thinking with the little head, let’s look at society. Why is it assumed that the primary mission in life for men and women is to get married and have kids? Why do we push people who maybe should be left single, into a commitment that everyone, even themselves, knows they are not going to stick to.
Most of my married friends are in terrible marriages. I think this can be attributed to both parties. Men don’t really look for a compatible soulmate, they look for the hottest woman who will have them, and trade up until they get to what they consider their pinnacle.
Women look for the potential mate, instead of what is truly standing in front of them at the alter. And then they act surprised when their husbands ditch them for some younger, prettier girl, who will now enjoy the more improved man the wife helped make.
I obviously don’t agree with M. Gary Neuman, who thinks that men’s infidelity is going to be fixed by women being more supportive. Husbands and wives should be supportive because that’s what makes a marriage work, not to keep each other from cheating. The fact is there is no simple answer. I’m not going to say it’s not women’s fault, and then tell them what they should do to help prevent it. Men and women make their own decisions in life. The only answer is to choose wisely. Not just your spouse, but your lifestyle. Not everyone needs to be married.
I’ve come to this conclusion too: mot people aren’t honest about what they REALLY want in life, which causes bad marriages. Or…we need to redefine “marriage.”
Most people are not naturally monogamous either. Again, a little self-honesty would go a long way.
XX
Unscientifically, men go to prostitutes for these 3 reasons and in this exact order of priority:
1. To be with women who are more attractive than the guy is otherwise able to attract;
2. To experience variety (a constant craving for many men);
3. To experience sexual behaviors that they may be ashamed of (or denied at home).
Men mostly go to prostitutes to be with attractive woman that they are unable to attract in any other way. There is nothing emotional about it. It is a sexual craving that is so strong for many men that they will take great risks in their relationships and careers when the urges are strongest. Good luck on trying to change this behavior…the behavior might be lessened for a while, but the sex drive is a very raw, powerful force that easily overrides common sense in all ages and times.
Leave the man or stay with the man. If he is clearly not cut out for monogamy leaving him would be best for both of you. My best guess is that 1/3 of guys aren’t wired for monogamy, 1/3 are on the fence (meaning they may succumb rarely) and 1/3 are strongly monogamous and are genuinely not tormented by strong cravings to stray.
Our society constantly promotes the myth the monogamy is much more common (and attainable) than it really is. Genuinely monogamous women (and men) suffer the most anguish and heartbreak when reality eventually exposes the myth.
There is so much societal pressure to be a married, monogamous person, that it drives folks to lie to themselves, and eventually to their spouses, about who they really are.
Preach the truth!
@Amanda – Thanks for the comment, I’m glad you agree. What percentage of clients would you say are married?
In my experience, 80-90% were married. Only a handful of them talked badly about their wives. The rest felt their wife was their best friend and they’d never leave her, but they felt the “romance” was dead. (Their wives may well have thought the same thing.)
They felt I was a safe alternative to a traditional, messy affair. And I have to agree.
I have a dim view of marriage as it is defined by society and how it constrains people. I don’t take a dim view of the people in a marriage — even if it’s not working well.
XX
wow amanda – i think people like u destroy many lives -look at the homes u have destroyed – the kids now that dont have there dad with them and the wife that feels she is just a slab of meat . way to go girl – u really got it going on .
give me a break bitch…blame the guys who make the calls!! The problem lies in the marriage idiot
Yeah that we married an idiot!
stop being a bitch Dana,for a prostitute to come here and give some insight is beneficial and something some wives want to hear,please don't ruin it for the rest of us. My husband ruined my marriage not the 100's of women he saw,for her to come here is brave .Now grow up!
You only have yourselves to blame. Put out more and indulge your man’s fantasies, maybe then he won’t look for sex somewhere else.
@Amanda – Thanks again for the great insight.
Most men don’t cheat with call girls, they cheat with friends or co-workers. Men don’t have long affairs with call girls because it would cost to much.
Jon,
If you knew how many call-girls existed (plus other women like strippers who see their customers privately), you’d know how many men DO cheat with professionals. It’s a huge number. Married men support a multi-billion dollar industry.
And yes, plenty of men have long-term affairs with professionals. Men with money, obviously. But every girl (me included) has clients who see them on a regular basis for YEARS. It’s an outside relationship — regardless of money — and this is what these men need.
XX
It is not a relationship if you are helping men cheat on their wives you are a cheater too baby and your are contributing to your own soul sripping… you need therapy. You are part of the reasons why men cheat because you keep your legs open and don't have respect for your community, the so called "man", the wife or yourself. Girlfriend, check yourself into rehab oh no wait you couldn't you're too lazy to work at that or anything else that might get you off your back much easier to lay on your back for money… and if you have "clients" honey it's for the money don't fool yourself into thinking you are doing community service!
Julie – I didn't read Amanda saying that she thought she was performing any community service. She is simply performing a job she has chosen. Blaming her is like blaming a bar tender for serving alcohol to a guy who shouldn't be drinking. Blame the men who cheat on their wives. If it wasn't with her, it would just be with someone else.
Julie you're a fricken idiot. MEN are the ones who choose to do this. MEN are the ones who create the demand for this business. MEN are the ones who surf the internet looking to find a suitable sex professional. Are you blind or just plain dumb? There will always be women with financial needs or who want to improve their lives. I know many women who've worked in this industry and they LAUGH at these men who spend tons of money on them.
Oh and by the way, a lot of the girls do work, are highly educated, and only do this on a part time basis.
So what are there needs !!! do you think seeing the same prostitue over and over means anything to the customer other then just sex or do you think that they could have feeling for the call girl too!!! Thanks
I dont think most men can afford to do this. and why would I pay for the same woman over and over when i can have different ones each time for the same price?
@Jon H Thanks for the comment. I think Amanda is referring to men who can afford it and like the idea of having an affair, but not having to feel bad about it having to end quickly. It makes sense to me.
@Amanda Thanks for the input on this. You’re insight is very helpful.
I just don’t understand the people that say that they got engaged because it was the next step. They felt like they had to get married or break-up, but then act surprised when they start to feel trapped and unhappy.
I get why men would turn to an escort. No baggage. They get to see a pretty girl, chat for a bit, have sex, pay and go back to their normal life. Why do some women go to spas? To be touched, relax, feel good, pay and go back to their normal lives. Both ways are just an escape.
Please explain the Tranny escorts to me. My man always told me that he thought Trannys were "disturbing" so imagine my suprise when I found hundreds of tranny hooker's phone numbers on his cell phone. What is the appeal of this? Is he gay? I don't understand this at all and quite frankly I am freaked out by it.
Linda, I don’t know what to tell you here. Obviously if your husband is having sex with tranny hookers you have good reason to expect that he’s gay. Either way I don’t see the point of staying with the guy. As hard as it may be, time to pack up and move on, or send him packing. At least you truly know it’s not you.
I'm not leaving no matter what. I don't care if he's gay, beats me, what have you. I have no where to go but the street so I will put up with anything. Suicide is the only way out for me. Unlike most people here I am not an educated "professional" . My last job paid $6 an hour, I challenge any of you to leave on that. I just want to know what I am dealing with so I can protect myself emotionally.
Men cheat with prostituts because they are pigs.
thats right susan I totally agree – i used to call them dogs but my dogs are much better than these type sleeve bag men –
HAHA Susan. Men are definitely the lesser species. they have no impulse control.
Susan, most men are not pigs. Men WHO cheat period with a prostitute or your best friend for that matter you may call a pig if you like, but such a broad statement is not appropriate.
To quote an old proverb:
‘Better to live on a roof top than with a nagging wife’, or for today’s modern era substitute wife with ‘significant other’ if you like.
So a man doesn’t have to be a pig necessarily to cheat simply nagged beyond what he can deal with is a more common factor. He desires sexual relations with a woman who will accept him unconditionally even if only for an hour or so every now and then.
It's not unconditionally the man pays to **** a underclass citizen and throw her away in exchange for money… and if you don't want Susan to use broad statements than you shouldn't either! Although I have to say that men do get the short end of the stick on the "cheating pigs" because women have certainly stepped up or should I say down to that level too now!
And I'm not sure I get it… are you saying it's okay to cheat and people are not pigs if you think your spouse is too nagging, or otherwise not to your liking?
I agree with Jon. If you're not happy in your marriage, end it. Don't start screwing around with a hooker behind your spouses' back. Nagging does not give permission to cheat, it gives permission to either work it out or leave.
An even better suggestion would be; if you don't like the idea of being nagged, don't get married in the first place.
These women are not "underclass citizens" you idiot. They are professional intelligent business women who make tons of money. If she charges let's say $400/hr and sees 5 clients a week, well I'm sure you can see how quickly that adds up. You have no right to judge them. If you've ever watched porn, gone to a strip bar, or slept with a sex professional than you need to shut your fricken mouth because you have supported the industry. YOU and and all of the other men who support this industry are total hypocrites for bad mouthing the ladies, who by the way think that YOU are the scum of the earth.
And yes men are all "sexually driven", AKA pigs and dogs. Let's use a term that's politically correct. The only difference is the man who restrains himself because he has morals and self control.
"unconditional" means paid actress. She pretends to like you because you're paying her to give you a good experience.
I cannot believe how retarded these comments are. Rock on Amanda, make your dough and laugh at these idiots.
My husband cheated on me with whores for 6yrs of our 29 marriage he was the least likey guy you would have thought to go with sluts but he did to the point where he became a sex addict if he was’nt going with them he was thinking about it etc; he has spent thousands of pounds in those years money we never had and with 3 kids to bring up money was always tight the reason why he was using it to buy sex behind all our backs all the while playing the perfect husband/father.
I feel a fool for not finding out sooner it has killed my self esteem, i no longer laugh, smile without a tear there somewhere, i cannot look at young girls without thinking he has been with that! he was 44 when he started this and going with girls half his age we have a daughter aged 25 yrs to think of him with girls same age as our daughter makes me sick to the core.
He is in recovery 2 yrs now and proffesses his undying love etc; and we are still together a choice that was not easy but we have our reasons his mainly he says is love!
Mines are mixed you never get over this huge breach of betrayal never it is always there when you wake up, when you go about your chores during the day, when you go to bed, he has no idea of the damage he has caused sex addicts do not think of anyone except themselves to think he could have done this to me while i was at home being a loyal and faithful wife for all those years is heartbreaking i try to understand the reasons he gives but they are not justified in my book why be married if you want to screw around?
So to all you men out there who are cheating on your wife/partner please stop now you have no idea at the damage you are storing up i am still raw with hurt 2 yrs on and i think i will be till i die that is how awful this is when you love someone why cheat on them? I never ever cheated on him in 29 yrs and for me it feels like a slap in the face to my loyalty because of his behaviour so please do not cheat think of your wife/kids/partner not yourself and what you think is a need from sluts!!
J
Jay , I feel your pain. I have been dating a guy for over 4 years to find he also has been using call girl servicis better know a sluts. How can these men not think that they can catch a deasease and not bring it home to us. I have lost all my respect for him, I dont want him and don't want him around me. When I look at him I want to throw up and when I have to have sex with it makes me sick. I wish and pray he would drop out of my life, it seems for some reason, for sure not love, how can any man say they love you, but can lay up with fleas bags. I am just like you I hate every woman that walks that appears to be sluts. I guess I am jealous cause I can't be like them and just not care who I sleep with. Maybe its time for me to start. And Amanda if you are from Wake Forest NC you are about as sorry as they come.
Dear j, I deeply understand your experience, because i could have written your exact letter. your sadness and your feelilngs i understand completely because they are my feelings too. i have been trying to deal with this over the past year with the help of a counselor and some days are better that others. my husband started this at the age of 59-60, and told me he had no interest in sex anymore. Tthe thing is, he had an interest, it just wasn't with me. Yes, it shatters any self esteem you might have, and then after they do this to you, they turn around and tell you that they love only you. I don't trust him, nor respect him, nor love him anymore, but at the ripe old age of 62, I am not really sure what i want to do. I will pray for you as I pray for me and any other women that goes thru this. I hope we all will find peace someday
A
The problem with these men IMO is that they compartmentalize their lives. They have the one life with you and then this little secret life that in their mind has nothing to do with you so it shouldn't be a problem as long as they keep it on the down low. They honestly do not feel they are doing anything wrong because they think if I am paying someone it's not real so it doesn't matter. At least that's my partner's attitude. His excuse was that I wasn't supposed to know about it so it's my spying that is the problem not his philandering. I wonder how they would feel if we all copped the same attitude and had dozens of men's numbers on our cell phones? it would be DIFFERENT then wouldn't it guys???
Yes, unfortunately it is different and for good family reasons. The double standard is based on the age-old understanding that, as the Victorians expressed it, "men bring home no bastards." The modern idea that equality means that both sexes are the same just isn't true, much as we might want it to be. The same behaviour, sleeping around, can have much more serious consequences for women than for men. The risks that females take in having sex with men other than their SO are of a different order that those taken by men. That's probably why the stigma attached to it is commensurate with its possible effects.
Over the last two years I have suffered at the hands of a sex addict – he had no idea until 3 weeks ago, but I've been haunted by it for 5 years (only been with the man 8 years, had a child with him 5 years ago and got married 3 years ago). I have been taking anti-depressants because he convinced me he wasn't doing anything. I've contracted Chlamydia because he had unprotected sex and then blamed me (god alone knows what else – still waiting for the HIV tests etc). I've found texts to prostitiutes setting up meetings which he has denied (just curious didn't do anything). We've been in therapy because I have PMDD and through this, just 4 weeks ago, I asked him to leave. So when I told him I couldn't do this anymore, he bad-mouthed me to everyone. I then miraculously found a book he had purchased "Out of the Shadows". I feel god told me to look in his drawer and there it was. Sex addiction has to be an illness – what sane man spends £15k on prostitutes when he has a willing and loving wife at home? My husband has chosen internet pornography and online sex when I have been waiting for him in bed for sex. Like you I feel cheated, betrayed, angry.
I don't blame the women – they are providing a service to sick men. I no longer blame myself. The man is an addict and he is sick. I hope he finds his peace and I pray for a recovery for him. I will not be around as a wife for him though, his betrayal is too profound.
Ed, I can only think that you are right in that men and women have different expectations on marriage, but that is not an excuse for using prostitutes, nor is it defensible. I have every respect for the women who choose to service men in this way, if thats what they truly want to do and are truly in control (ie not trafficked, stolen children, drug addicts, alcoholics etc etc). But this whole way of being for the men who use them, their wives and and children, the women who prostitute themselves KILLS people. I've been convinced of my own insanity and tried to kill myself with alcohol and prescription drugs – but its not me who is mad. Rather my sex addicted husband.
If it helps anyone else – you're not alone – the stats say one in ten men do this. Reach out for your sisters and hug them – help them. No man who loves you and who is sane would ever do this.
J I feel your pain. I just recently found out my husband has been seeing escorts. No wonder he wants a separation! He has probably been living a double life for the last 2 years (that I know of). I have not confronted him with what I know. I am considering divorce. I no longer feel happy or confident. This has hurt me beyond anything else. 🙁
@J Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear that your husband couldn’t maintain his vows. How did you discover that this was going on? And did you ever get a straight answer from him as to why he was sleeping around with prostitutes?
I have been with my boyfriend (soon to be fiance) for 5 years. During our 3rd year of being together, he attempted to cheat on me with a prostitute but didn’t go all the way due to getting caught (@ least that’s what he told me). Our relationship is going fairly well for now, but I’m not sure if I can trust him enough to marry him. Do you think he can actually live a “monogamous” lifestyle forever, or am I just in denial?
I caught my domestic partner of 10 years (a male, I'm a female) trying to email a prostitute…excuse me, escort. He canceled the email and told me that he wasn't even going to send it – AFTER I caught him typing it into his computer. So technically, he did not meet THAT particular escort.
Then, several months later, I DID catch him meeting an escort. Sure, he lied at first and even accused me of snooping (a sure indicator that I was on the right track)…but I ferreted out the truth by noticing his gaps in information and reading body language.
Finally, he admitted that he sees escorts. He has been doing so for around 4-5 years now. He says only 1 time every 4 to 6 months, but I suspect more often. He tried to make me believe that he thought it was OK for him to do this. He even assured me that he uses a condom, even during oral sex.
One peculiar thing…when I suggested we both seek "fulfillment, for variety" outside the relationship, he said "No!" This makes me believe that he feels that what he has been doing is wrong, and that he had never thought about my acceptance of the situation as long as I could do the same. I have to admit that there has been no sex between us for quite some time. Perhaps this is due to visits to hotels with escorts? You think???
I am hurt by the betrayal of trust. I also feel that the intimacy is destroyed in our relationship. Am I happy with all other aspects of the relationship? The answer is YES. In face, if he would agree to let us both seek sex outside the relationship with full disclosure about this, the situation would be ideal for me.
Do NOT believe that your fiance will be faithful to you after having to address this situation so soon in your relationship. This is not a mere curiosity on his part. He fully intends to fulfill this fantasy. Mark my words so that you are not surprised when you eventually find out.
@Bobbi I guess anyone can change, and maybe he’ll take marriage vows more seriously than dating. But to be honest, guys decide pretty early on if they are going to be faithful or cheat.
I’m curious, what made you stay with him when you caught him trying to hook up with a prostitute? And what makes you think that the time you caught him was the only time?
Some of my friends told me that I should leave him. I thought about it, especially around the time that it recently happened. I figured that leaving him wouldn’t solve his problem or take the hurt away from me, so why not try to stick it out and make it work. I had a lot to lose if I left him, and nothing to lose if I stayed. I don’t regret my decision of staying with him at all. We have gotten far together as a couple afterwards, and I sometimes wonder how my life would have been if I left him that night. Looking at where we are now, I would have been a fool, but an average person would think vise versa.
I don’t think that was his only time with a prostitue. I think that was his first time getting caught, lol. It was the first time I knew anything about it. I believe the only way he can really be “healed” or “delivered” from this problem is if we take consuling, but he don’t want to. He feels that he is ok and that he has learned his lesson. I don’t think he’s being unfaithful right now in our relationship, but I’m worried that he will have a relapse in the future. What do you think?
I never thought anything until my husband left his phone on counter and went to work out.He always had a password on but this time i could see the phone wasnt locked,Lets just say it didnt take long to find text messages from multiple numbers that were extremely explicit.I decided to a search on the numbers,most of them came up na but was able to find one that matched 954 899 5683 954 899 5683 or ironically 954 899 love.I come to find out this hooker has been getting cash from my husband for a long time and playing him while he was playing me.I am glad i can vent on this site although i have been helping to make her life a living hell like mine.I found out shes julia m rabolli a realtor icey realty by day I suppose and a hooker whenever some asshole pays her to suck or f…. or god only knows what.Anyways I find out shes a nova student and payed a p.i. to watch my asshole husband and her.lets just say her school,her work,her family and anyone i can find knows who she really is now and my husband has his coming also.Im gonna hit him where it really counts,his wallet. for any other wives out there the irs loves yo get info on prostitutes getting cash and u get a %
you probably will get an STD bitch hopefully aids so none of us have to read yor same shit and reposts over and over! I'd cheat on you too ya skank..the hookers probably gorgeous hahahaha
O, and by the way, I didn’t catch him, the police did. He spent time in jail for it also. Do most men go back to that lifestyle after being punished for it?
@Bobbi
Thanks for posting. I know that’s pretty personal stuff you’re
sharing. From reading your posts, I have a feeling I know what type
of person you are, but I wanted to check and see if I’m right. So
please tell me if I’m off the mark.
I get the feeling you’re in your mid to late 20’s. I think you must
be attractive, because unattractive girls think they know why guys
cheat on them. I’m also going to guess that you’re from a small town
in either the south or the midwest, and you always wanted to get out.
I also get the feeling that you feel trapped, and whenever you think
the right person or opportunity comes along, they end up not being
what they said they were.
If this accurately describes you, first let me know, I love being right.
But then, do not marry this guy. He will be the final nail in the
coffin.
I never thought anything until my husband left his phone on counter and went to work out.He always had a password on but this time i could see the phone wasnt locked,Lets just say it didnt take long to find text messages from multiple numbers that were extremely explicit.I decided to a search on the numbers,most of them came up anonamous but was able to find one that matched 954 899 5683 or ironically 954 899 love.I come to find out this hooker has been getting cash from my husband for a long time and playing him while he was playing me.I am glad i can vent on this site although i have been helping to make her life a living hell like mine.I found out her identity julia m rabolli a realtor by day i suppose and a hooker whenever some asshole pays her to suck or f…. or god only knows what.Anyways i find out shes a nova student and payed a p.i. to watch my asshole husband and her.lets just say her school,her work,her family and anyone i can find knows who she really is now and my husband has his coming also.Im gonna hit him where it really counts,his wallet.p.s. for any other wives out there the irs loves to know about these prostitutes and getting cash without reporting it.have fun with your caash and probably stds
That’s scary. You are pretty close to right. I don’t think I’m attractive, I know I’m attractive, lol (just playin). But for real, what do you mean he will be the final nail in the coffin?
@Bobbi
It sounds to me like you want to be married, and you’re hoping this guy will live up to what you want him to be. But I’m guessing most of the guys in your life have turned out to be not what I thought they were. This guy has already shown you who he is. Marriage is mean to be permanent, so I would think long and hard before moving forward with this guy.
My sweet, loyal, perfect, man-of-my-dreams boyfriend cheated on me 3 times with 2 different prostitutes (that he admits to). I just had a baby and he says he was bored and no longer attracted to me after I gained weight. Our baby was only 4 mos. old when he did it. He said he also was having a hard time seeing me as a mother and watching me give birth. He never gave any indication he was this unhappy. I’m crushed, all my dreams are dead and I can’t stop sobbing. We are in counseling, but I am so scared he will do this again. He confessed he saw hookers before he met me, during and after his divorce from his ex-wife. They didn’t have kids. He said he never cheated on her, that I was the lucky one who got to go through that. He also claimed he did look at hookers on the internet the whole time we were together but never acting on it. If I didn’t have this baby I would throw him out and call his mother and let her know what happened and to leave the door open because he’s on his way. I don’t know if I can forgive him, I’ve broken up with boyfriends before for indiscretions that were less harmful than this. I promised myself I would never stay with someone who cheats on me but here I am. Every time I want to end it, I see a pair of sparkling blue eyes looking up at me and coo-ing. Then I think to myself that I owe it to her to try once. Then one day I can tell her that I tried to reconcile with her father and didn’t just think of myself, that I thought of her. I can’t deal with this, forgive this or know what to do about it without the counseling. It’s couple’s counseling, and he is also going on his own. He has been remorseful, saying since this happened he realizes how much he loves me and how badly he wants to stay with me. He stopped bringing his laptop home from work (he used to be online late at night while I slept), gets up earlier and comes home sooner to spend more time with me, is being very attentive towards me, like he was when we first dated. Its been about five weeks since I found out and less than a week after that is when the counseling started. He also says he is sorry a lot which he usually doesn’t do. He’s not an apologetic person. He calls me on his lunch breaks or meets me for lunch so that I know his no longer using that time to screw a whore. These women do not just have sex for a living, they ruin lives for a living. Some days I think I could just lay down on the floor and die. That my heart could just bleed out from sorrow. It was a stupid, shallow, selfish thing that he did. It’s not like I got fat on purpose, and that I wasn’t going to want to loose it. I mean come on she was a 4mo. old, and born in January. Not like I could start jogging with a newborn in blistering cold. I asked him if he was just that kind of guy that needs new tail every now and then and he said no. What happens when I’m aging? Is he off to the hooker again. I was totally loyal, completely in love and SO happy. Now here I am.
Trisha, I'm going through this now.. I found out Nov. 6 2009.. I am in great shape ( I run 15k a day), look young for my age and have 3 children (by him). It didn't seem to help me so give yourself a break about the weight gain as it's really just an excuse. I've been married 24 years, he started surfing porn 5 yrs ago and slept with an escort for the first time 2 1/2 yrs ago…there was a total of 7 and 1 erotic massage (according to him) He says he was stressed from work, felt like a failure (his business was failing horribly) and lied constantly to me about debt… he said after that he couldn't face me… He has responded much like your husband, professing undying love, apologizing constantly, coming home early, frequent calls etc. Anyway, it's been a year for you how are you now?
Wow what a coincidence this is. I wanted to see if this post was still here because I remembered writing it. I wanted to remember how I felt and what exactly I was believing at the time. I'm really surprised that someone replied just 6 days ago.
Here is what happened. We did the couples therapy thing until he didn't want to go anymore. He felt he was on trial and we were getting nowhere. I made him go to a therapist by himself, and I went to a different one. He eventually stopped going. When his Google search history (that he never considered existed thankfully) showed me he was still going to escort sites after those 2 therapy options failed I kicked him out, but didn't break up with him. I wanted to see if it would scare him clean. He had to move back in with his parents, who I told the entire story to. At first he said he was determined to stop seeing prostitutes, stop the porn habit (he has been admittedly addicted to porn for 20yrs.) and get his head straight. He looked into treatment options for sex addiction, but wasn't able to find any local resources. The determination to recover didn't last long and three months later I found emails in his facebook account that revealed to me that he had a girlfriend on the side. I broke up with him and we no longer speak unless we have to talk about our daughter. Recently his girlfriend had the guts to contact me (or the nerve maybe) asking about what happened with us. I told her EVERYTHING. She also revealed to me that he had told her that he cheated on me from the start of our 4yr. relationship, something he has never admitted to me.
I lost all of my baby weight, and its true that it didn't matter. I wear a size 4 and his new girlfriend wears a 14.
I would be really careful of believing anything your husband says. If he started porn 5 yrs. ago its probably been 10. If he says there were 7 there could be a lot more. I was told that it was 2 prostitutes for a total of 3 times and that the first time was in May 08'. As it turns out it was our entire relationship and an untold amount of times. I know now for sure it was at least 10 times that he went to one based on things I discovered and he admitted to along the way.
So, I'm single, have a 2yr. old daughter, work full time and manage the house and 2 dogs. He sits in his parents guest room every night with 2 laptops and hundreds of dvd's (his mom tells me). He is either doing that, working, or at his girlfriends 2 nights a week. What a life huh?
Tricia – I'm so glad to hear from you again, but I'm sorry you didn't have better news to share. It sounds like you did everything you could, and now this guy is going to have to live a very empty life.
I am glad you shared that losing the weight didn't matter. Women are so quick to think it's about them, when it reality, it has little to do with their looks or anything else. These guys just crave the excitement of the sex and don't really care who it hurts.
And it's pretty amazing that the guy didn't at least learn how to cover his online tracks.
How are you getting on with your life? It would be great to hear how you're feeling about things now that you cut this person out of your life. Are you optimistic, or still a dealing with this?
It's hard. I'm going to be 35 this year, and I feel like he ruined my life. I won't ever have that family that I wanted, the one I waited for, the one with children by the same father who I married. That was my biggest dream. It's gone. My daughter won't have siblings, and I won't be spending holidays with her grandparents (his parents) any more. His dad and brother still don't think that he has a problem, which just kills me. His mom does though.
It just sucks that I ever got involved with him. I'm not the kind of girl to stay in an abusive situation and it really was soul crushing to make those attempts at healing the relationship. In reality I think if you even try to heal the relationship, it won't get you anywhere because it's not the relationship that is the problem, its his sex addiction that is the problem. Relationship counseling will not solve sex addiction.
I recently heard from his new girlfriend that he admitted to her that it wasn't just his lunch break he used to cheat on me. He was doing it every single chance he got, when he was "going to Target for diapers", or when he could sneak out of work… any reason. It makes me sick. I also learned that prostitutes take credit cards!!!! He has nearly 30k in debt, which he told me was from his divorce, but wasn't all.
I am just managing day to day, I have a now two year old, and my career. When the relationship finally ended it was because I found out he had a girlfriend. This was days after I had had surgery, and a week after my car got totaled. So in one week I lost my car, gall bladder, lol, and him. There I was alone with the baby, healing, and unable to go anywhere. There he was getting his car detailed so that he could go on a date. He is a monster. A month later I came down with pneumonia and was having issues with panic attacks. I was given medication for depression and anxiety, and sleeping. It took a few months for me to start to feel better, but I'm doing ok now.
I have no hope of ever having another relationship. I mean sure it could happen, but I think it would be pretty stupid and maybe even cruel for me to do that anytime soon. I think this is something that will permanently impact who I am. I mean, after you spend years with someone and this all comes out… how can you trust someone again? It would have to be a long time before I could trust someone enough to marry them, and by that time I'll be too old for more children.
The way I look at it, my daughter needs my attention, and she's only going to be little once. I'm not going to waste that on trying to date a bunch of creeps (lets face it, you have to weed through 10 creeps before you meet 1 good one.. and chances are that good one doesn't want a commitment anyway, lol.).
I'm heartbroken that my dream of having a family is gone, and I am dealing with a lot of feeling sorry for myself because life cheated me out of finding a good companion. I'm lonely, but I'm also really busy so that helps.
The most important thing though is that I know I need a lot of time to heal, and that maybe I won't always think this way. I don't mourn the loss of him, I mourn the loss of the ideal. I would never ever take him back, and I am glad that this evil horrible problem is no longer mine to suffer.
Tricia I feel so bad for you. This man is a cheater and will keep cheating. You will never be able to trust him.
If he cheats once and feels bad about it, that's one thing. But he's done it several times, tries to blame you for getting fat, and goes online and looks at adds for escorts.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but the only thing you can do is cheat on him, and see how that makes him feel. Maybe it'll be a good wakeup call. Or you can leave him because he will hurt you for the rest of his life and probably give you an STD. Or put up with it.
A good man is so hard to find. I keep my husband very satisfied sexually, so he can't complain he doesn't get it. I stay fit and healthy, workout, take care of myself. I think this is very important.
@Tricia First off, it’s crazy to blame yourself at all. Saying that you need to jog the weight off so you don’t have to worry about your husband cheating, is crazy.
I’m curious, how did he get caught?
First, I’m sorry this is so long but its really helping me to vent. Thank you for understanding.
I know, I don’t blame myself. I had a baby for crying out loud. I didn’t deserve this. I just meant to say that cheating on someone and saying that part of the reason was that they lost attraction when you gained weight is bad enough— but because weight from giving birth to their child is just despicable. Especially since she was only 4mos. old!! Anyways…
He had been acting distant and grumpy for a while. He stopped coming to bed with me, sometimes coming late at night after I was asleep and sometimes falling asleep on the couch. I didn’t like it and made it clear but he wouldn’t stop. I knew he was downloading a lot of porn too but that isn’t a big deal to me. I thought he was just getting his rocks off to porn. He never wanted to have sex, I tried. This situation didn’t happen over night, it was gradual. He said a few times he felt depressed. One weekend he went out of town with his playboy of a brother and I had a bad feeling about it. When he called me to see how I was less than 24hrs. after he left, I felt bad for suspecting anything. When he came home I checked his bag for condoms. I don’t know why, I thought I was crazy, esp. because I didn’t find any. Three weeks later I decided to check his computer, again criticizing myself for being a psycho girlfriend. I was shaken to the core to find a folder with explicit photos of himself. I checked his blackberry and found an email from a hook-up site. I went there, registered and found his profile. As soon as he got home I confronted him, displayed anger I didn’t know I was capable of. I told him to leave, many times. I tried to throw him out but he wouldn’t go. He loved me and wanted to work it out. I said ok, then you will come to bed, you will not be online, you will get off that site now, and you will spend more time with me. Also I insisted on counseling because I knew I couldn’t attempt to get over this and forgive without it. My reaction was to break up. I also demanded to read the web mail inside that website. He was actually planning on meeting one, and dishing out compliments all over. Really nice considering he hasn’t said a complimentary word or an I love you in I don’t know how long. So we went to counseling. He’s been really trying– really. We started going on dates and having sex again. I couldn’t shake the urge to not keep looking on his computer though. A month after this all happened too. So I found he was looking at an escort site, and thought he was just looking at sluts pics. I decided to wait and bring it up in our session. Two days later all of a sudden there is a password on his computer where before it was unlocked. That sent me off the deep end. I demanded to look. I demanded to have all his passwords. I found nothing… until I discovered he didn’t delete his sent items. He freaked out, shaking and just a mess. After a lot of struggle, he finally confessed that he slept with someone on that trip. Then finally told me it was a prostitute. Then finally told me there were 2 other occasions in town on his lunch break. All the emails I saw were dated from before we started counseling. There is nothing since then. He now is no longer bringing the computer home at all, and has been showering me with attention. He said he was so afraid I would leave that he couldn’t tell me it was more than what I first found. I’ve been cheated on now by 4 men, and this is not flying with me. I would rather be alone, but I do love him and this hit me with no warning, seeming out of character for him. There’s also the fact that we have a baby, and although he didn’t consider her when he decided to go see a whore, I will never stop considering her.
dont let him fool you girl — i am sure he has set up another email account — these men think they are slink — my only thing is this — If God can put one man on space why can't he put all of them.
Dear Tricia,
I have almost the same story to tell. I've been doing this for 14 years now and with two children in the picture. He will never stop. If I could turn the clock back, I would have left him the first time, it would have been easier for my little girl and for myself. To wait only makes things more complicated and only makes yourself more sick inside.
I should also tell you that he is 36 and I just turned 33. We aren’t kids.
@Tricia It sounds like you’re giving your husband a crash course in computer security. Most guys know they should be having a separate webmail account for this stuff, and then use Private Browsing on their machines. But, fortunately for you, he had his incriminating email go directly to his Blackberry!
Do you view him not bringing his laptop home as a good thing, because he doesn’t stay up all night looking at porn and hookers, or a bad thing because now you can’t see what he’s up to?
And I agree, you should not feel guilty about baby weight 4 months after. And I also agree that he wasn’t putting his family first when he decided to pay for sex. I imagine that with a newborn, you have better uses for that money in your family.
I don’t have a problem with prostitutes, or guys seeing them. If a guy is single and can afford it, why not? But when you’re married with a child, it’s time to stop that type of behavior. And I think you pointed out the exact reason; he took something from you. The attention you needed during an important time, he gave to others. I’m sure you’re aware of your additional weight, and could use a compliment to let you know you’re still attractive. But instead he compliments other women.
It’s good counseling is working. I’m not usually a big believer in it, but I’m sure it does work for some couples. Having a baby is stressful on everyone, and maybe he was just feeing a little trapped and panicked. Has he given any reason in counseling for his actions, beyond your weight?
He had 3 email accounts, and I asked to see all 3. I think he consented because he thought he deleted everything, just forgot to delete the sent items in that one account. I know how to look on a computer for things, and so does he. We both work in IT!
Reasons he gave: Boredom with me, boredom with sex, he got used to not having sex with me in the latter stages of pregnancy and recovery from birth(It took me 8 weeks to heal). He wasn’t attracted to me when I gained weight, thought that he fell out of love with me, but says he must have been crazy to think that. He said seeing the birth was a little traumatic and he had a hard time feeling sexual with me when I was taking care of the baby. He wondered if this existence of planning life around feedings and naps was all there was for him. We didn’t go out much of course when she was born. He thought that he would be trapped in this pattern forever. Does he think I didn’t have those same feelings? He never once said he was unhappy or feeling any of these things. He would still hug me and call me cutesy names etc. I thought this was all normal after the birth of a baby. I have friends who said they went through this, and its a lot of stress on their relationships but none of them resorted to going to a hooker.
Re the laptop, yes I am glad he’s not bringing it home. All the emails and web history indicated he was doing this at home based on the date and time stamps. He can’t really do much while he’s at work so this at least limits him. He and I are connected via IM all day while we work too so I know when he’s there. He deleted 2 of the 3 email accounts, and I know this because he told me and because I got delivery failures when I tested them after. I have the password to his other account. Could he open more in secret? Of course. Could he email them still, yes of course he could. I can think of so many ways he could get away with it again, but what can I do?
I should add that I told him I didn’t want him to bring the laptop home anymore. He is doing that to show me he wants to do what it takes to make me trust again.
@Tricia Maybe it’s just a simple case of freaking out over having to grow up.
I wouldn’t worry about what else you do to see if he is still seeing prostitutes. If he wants to get away with it, I’m sure he will the next time. I’m sure he would think twice about giving a hooker his email address that goes directly to his Blackberry again.
And the fact is, if you have to worry about this stuff, there isn’t much of a marriage left. You’re either going to have to trust him, or end it.
I heard a radio shrink once say something I thought was pretty cool. When someone called in about not being able to trust their wife, the shrink told him he either needs to learn to trust her quickly, or he’s going to ruin the marriage. He then disclosed that he trusts his wife so much, that if he found evidence of her having an affair, he would believe just about excuse she gave him, because he trust her #1 not to cheat, and #2 to be honest with him if she ever did. He went on to say that if she admitted it, it would turn his entire life upside down, that it would be on par with finding out aliens landed on his lawn. He said she has the ability to damage him beyond repair, and that’s love. And I guess that’s why he has been married for over 20 years, and most people don’t get past the first 5.
Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah its like he just went crazy, totally not on par with the kind of person I thought he was. I definitely need the counseling too, I can’t get over this on my own, its bigger than me. Thanks again.
I found out this year that my husband of 20 years, life partner and father to two fantastic sons has been using tarts for 2 years – the reason – he wanted a change…he likens the experience to being fed up with Spaghetti and occasionally wanting Meatballs…I found out by accident-seeing a text on his phone from one of the tarts that thought her baby was his. He confessed to about 12 over 2 years. I forgave him, we talked, and talked and I thought I had the truth……..then I find out that one of his tarts is in fact a regular….and obviously ticked all of his boxes. He denies any feeling for her other than she is a business arrangement and a convenient one whose mobile number he kept on his phone. She, became a once a week habit – sometimes for 2 hours, and occasionally got to f**k her 3 times in that 2 hours.In that time, over the months she was asking him to marry her, to go out to dinner with her, and lend her money. He only stopped because I found another text from her – 2 months after I had got the initial confession about the other 12…he said it would never happen again and that I was all he needed. Our sex life started again, I thought it was good…it was for me…5 months later, I found out – he was a bit drunk after work one day, was due to be staying in town, was a bit bored, so again, he called her, (having to go through old on line phone bills) he met her, she was delighted… he paid her and away once more to deceit and betrayal – dont think the sex was so good though this time, probabaly more due to drink and drugs than a conscience. He was dissapointed in himself, but, obviously not too much so….now, here I am…heart freshly broken, brain rescrewed up, moral and self esteem on the floor. The pain is so so so excrutiating it pervades my every waking moment – the hurt is off the scale, why why why??? I am still a slim trim sexy person who is not afraid to commit, connect and love with a passion both mentally and physically and my husband is my life. I am so jealous of this woman as all I ever wanted and hoped for is that it would be my phone number he would call when he was feling lonely, needy or just plain horny…..but, here I am, broken, desperate and hoping again that this time he means it -in that he wont call her again – unless he is REALLY drunk-in which case he admits he may not be able to resist ….feel free to tell me what I am, I know already, but hey everyone just write it down, and then one day -the other side of Christmas when I have done the family duty bit, I will end my life and then he will be able to have her as often as he likes . I am sure, as well, that my jewellery and engagement ring will look beautiful on a slim blonde Brazilian wrist and finger………
@Louise Clearly ending your life because he can’t keep his dick in his pants is not the answer. That’s one step worse than ending his life. You have done all that can be expected. You forgave him the first time, you even seem to have forgiven him the second time. But it seems that he has made the decision that your feelings don’t matter more than quick cures for boredom and horniness.
On a side note, I have to say that your husband sounds like a real loser. If a guy is going to sleep with prostitutes, why would he be having conversations about marriage with her? That’s why you get hookers instead of girlfriends. It sounds like he’s too stupid to even properly use a hooker. You can do much better.
So maybe it’s time you start looking for other options. You have the advantage of being a sexy woman, which means you don’t have to pay for sex, you can get it whenever you want it. I know that you’re not looking for sex, but I’m betting what you are looking for is someone who wants you.
So before you go through some dramatic actions like offing yourself, why not try seeing what else is out there? Post a personals ad somewhere and see what happens. I’m betting you can find someone who is looking for someone to connect with. You don’t have to meet in person, just chat online a bit.
I know people will read this and think that two wrongs don’t make a right, but we’re talking about a guy who doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself, and a women who not only deserves more, but needs more. So screw it, find someone better than this asshole.
Just out of curiosity, did he say where he is meeting these women, and what he is paying? Because it doesn’t sound like these are actual pros, more just (like you said) tarts or sluts.
Hi and thanks for your response.
I am aware the tone of my post was probably hard to read and it is not that I have not thought about being able to go out there and connect with someone else, its purely because I have no desire to even want another man like I want my husband. I suppose there are millions of people who have been in my position and everyone has their own way of getting trhough the pain. It is a pain of utter rejection and after 20 years of entire devotion to my husband, I simply cannot see a future without him. Being with anyone else would feel hollow and dishonest. I guess I am just a rather old fashioned person……..it would be me that feels the failure and the cheat for losing my faith in my husband. I have given him chances, and yes, in the cold light of day, he has made a decision to cheat again. He tells me that he only ever thinks about doing it when he is drunk-and that entertaining clients and getting drunk-is part of his job….I KNOW of course that one could argue that it is his decsion to drink…..we had agreed a strategy to manage this in a practical way, and that would be for me to physically go to him, if he was out with his clients entertaining, so that, if he did end up being drunk and therefore irresponsible and uninhibited, I would “rescue” him…….much as this may “work” on occasions, it would only be the occasions when he wants me to help him……I know, one day, be it next week, next month or next year, I will be faced with the truth that that he has again, slipped through the net and taken advantage of a situation in an ungarded moment when he feels (for whatever reason, best known only to himself) that he needs a quick, paid for sex session……..he feels strongly, that what I dont know, cannot hurt me………as experience has shown me, I will find out,be it then, or later, but, that I will find out……..
It is this thought that is like waiting for an axe to fall. My heart and soul cannot bear the prospect again…my hopes were high until a week ago, but now, as much as I am actually trying to be positive, I know already that my husband is resenting the fact that he is under scrutiny and may find it quite a challenge to deceive me – so apparently easily-again.
As far as the marriage question goes, my husband was asked by the tart to marry her, to keep her in the country……he said he didnt take it seriously though…….she also asked for money up front, in lieu of future sex sessions…he says he did not do this.
She was obviously-and still is-a prostitute, the difference being, she HAD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, AS HE DID WITH HER…….I do appreciate it wasnt a passionate love affair,: my husband feels vindicated in this respect as he says he does not feel he has been unfaithful to me, as he never loved her……..or any of the other 12 tarts he screwed.
However, it is obvious, that he developed a degree of intimacy with her, even if only based on regular and easy contact. At one point she would join him in his hotel, and routinely take Baths, chil out, eat a good meal and drink Champagne, as just part of her week.
I gather between sex, they both developed a little routine where he would relax and watch TV whilst she bathed (occ joining her in the bath) and then have round 2 of sex usually after a reviving Viagra tablet…..I even joked once, and said why didnt she get the travel iron out and do his shirts, or pop the hoover round the room!!
So, yes, this girl was a tart, my husband said he felt the paying of money to her, was a key part of the evening…….he felt he then had a right to her, and owed her nothing else (like love, affection etc)
He denies ever having not paid her………
The one thing I just found out last week was that he does actually have her address, so I guess now that I have to contend with the possibility that he could call on her at any time for a quick fix? Hence, I do not only have to be vigilant in the evenings when typically he may meet his tart in a hotel, but also that he could go round to her home……….no evidence I suppose to incriminate him, and, unless I had him electronically tagged, I would not find out -immediately anyway.
He initially met this girl in a lap dance club, but, when he became a regular, phone numbers were swapped and he then only had to pay her directly, and was also convenient and immediate to access.
So, I suppose I am in control of my own destiny….and I cannot contemplate any more of this hurt……I would rather be dead than deceived.
I would rather my children did not have to witness my demise, but surely, anything is better than seeing me fall apart mentally and physically over the long term, than just have to contend with the immediate shock of my death. I know how pathetic this is, but my boys are now 18 and 20 years old………they are now functioning adults in many ways and they are strong and resourceful people. They will know how I SO LOVED THEM……that is all they need to know and when I do die, I will be leaving them a full and loving explaination of why I have decided to go.
I dont know the answer, I have thought about it over the past 8 miserable months…..I do not feel worthy anymore, I would have to live with the shame of losing my husband to a whore, who, it seems he cannot continue through life without, whether she is a paid tart or indeed as I suspect – is a more significant addiction? Prehaps he does love her, prehaps he wants a family with her? Prehaps he will move abroad with her after I leave………I love him so much, that even acknowledging this possibility, I do want him to enjoy his life and move on. If my dying is a relief to him and brings him some peace of mind freeing him up to persue his desires, then, for me, it will have been a decent-if final-thing for me to do.
Tarts? How old are you and who the hell uses that word? You sound like a dmb old bitch!
Please get counseling as fast as you can. You’ve been traumatized and you need to get help for yourself. After 20yrs of marriage it must feel like he’s taken your life from you and now is just throwing it away. I would like to see someone in your position divorce him for all he’s worth and make sure everyone knows why, including family, and get yourself some counseling asap. But I can’t tell you to do that because I don’t know you. Suicide is an easy way out of pain for the person doing it only, it brings permanent scars to everyone else. Don’t do that to your kids. Please Please call a counselor, and make that looser you married pay for it.
You are kind, and it helps a little to read your response. I have seen a counsellor, infact two..nobody but me, can help me. No one but me, has to be in my head and feel the pain 24/7.
Pills can numb me for a while, talking to a friend can help – but the sadness and pain descends and devours me.
I am cursed wuth an ability to be sensitive and I have given my heart fully..the reality is that even if he never looks at another whore again – and that is a huge IF-because of course he will – he will then resent me.
Resentment is a breeding ground for many miseries. He will want to punish me somehow,
The sex with my husband has been great for me, but, I am kidding myself if I think or try and beleive it is me that he wants to be in bed with…..After the first rush of sex following the finding out, it has again dwindled and it israther sad efforts to arouse him. It is me that has to persuade him and seduce him. He has rarely initiated making love with me….I often feel he is doing me a favour by just being in bed with me…..such is his distaste for me physically. I am not a 20 something latino Blonde – just a well preserved 48 year old who has taken to wearing skimpy lingerie – he is no doubt laughing silently at me. I cannot be what he now wants, nor will I ever be. End of – except now, he knows where to go to get his fix. He admits the first time or two with a whore was a little much for his conscience and moral beleif-but then it was easy, and a real treat he felt he owed himself – this is the sad truth, and nothing will ever change until I make it change. I have chosen my path, and it is this that is now making me feel positive for the first time in many many months. I am looking forward to getting out of the prison of misery I have created by my intolerance of my husband, and of allowing myself to become so obviously repugnant to him – and I didnt even realise for 2 years! So, I am a fool as well……Of course I feel the biggest regret ever at leaving my boys, but I do feel my job is done. I could hurt them even more by staying, that is the truth.
On monday my world too was shaken to the core when I picked up my husbands laptop (he had left it sitting on the couch while he went to pick up some take away for dinner) and decided to check my mail while I was waiting for him to come back. Typing something into the search engine, some previous searches came up for escorts/massage places in Melbourne… (we live in Sydney and he goes to Melbourne all the time for work). The shock/nausea was overwhelming.
Yesterday I spent the day searching the net for answers/help and found this site. All the responses have had me in tears and have resonated heavily with me. I also have two boys and the youngest is 4 months old. If it were not for these two lovely little people I would have left yesterday. So do I sacrifice my own happiness for theirs? It is a very difficult decision and as Tricia said, a decision that is much bigger than me and one that I think I will need help making.
When I confronted him about it he immediately tried to place the blame on me… and also denied actually going through with it. He claims he was just thinking about it. The fact that there were a number of searches makes me question whether he is telling the truth. It is also impossible for me to prove whether or not he went through with it and he knows that. Later, he apologised and said that he would take responsibility for his behaviour but that I had to accept responsibility for the circumstances that led him to behave in this way. This made me very angry and extremely sad. I may not initiate sex as much as I did before we had children but I certainly have only ever once knocked him back once, (that I can recall), he has however knocked me back more times than I can count. Last time I tried to kiss him (passionately) he laughed at me and asked what I was doing? The pain of rejection and embarassment was excruciating. The pain of finding out about his betrayal though, I would almost describe it as physical it hurts so much.
Thank you Ed for giving us a voice. I am not sure what else to do/say/feel at the moment but to Louise please be strong for your boys. I couldn’t not write after hearing your story and want you to know that my heart breaks for you and the pain that you are feeling.
Hi Emma, I found out my husband has been going to prostitutes for years & years at the end of last year. We have a young toddler who adores him, so unfortunately its not as simply as just walking out.
Unfortunately a hell of a lot men haven't reached a stage of evolution where they are mature enough to accept the relationship isn't working for them & get out. Instead they act out with a range of bad behaviours and then expect the wives to accept it… He says that he would be devastated if I did the same thing as him (I didn't) so tell me how the hell does that work? He can have his dick in any young attractive whore he likes but if I so much as look at another guy he flips out. And they wonder why there are so many bitter women walking this earth.
If you want to be pals please give me your email address, I live in Brisbane and have had a very similar experience to you.
Regards,
Michelle.
Emma and Louise – I can’t help but notice how similar you both feel about this. You both seem to think there is something wrong with you that makes your husband behave this way. As a guy, and not exactly a sensitive guy either, I have to say that you are placing the blame in the wrong place.
I know you don’t even want to call it “blame”, but you’re taking on the responsibility for someone who is behaving like an ass. Your husbands are not cheating because you’re not attractive, or because they deserve it. They are cheating because they are too full of themselves to think about anyone else.
Let’s look at this in the cold hard light, these guys are losers. They are not cheating on you with a beautiful woman who loves them. They have to pay someone to screw around with them. And Louise, your husband seems to think it’s something to be proud off. He should be sickened with shame for his behavior. He has a wife and children, he should be putting them above his drunken need for fun.
I’m not a saint, and I don’t know either of you. You could both be crazy banshees who are driving your husband nuts (see, not very sensitive), but in that case, he should just get a divorce. But it seems more likely that you are both loving wives who are trying to figure out what you can do to make him be happy with just you. And your husbands are seriously flawed for taking advantage of that.
I’ll let you in a guy secret. We know that men age differently than women. It gives us some comfort, and a little guilt. I think all guys must know that they almost have the opportunity for a sort of second life. They can get married when they’re in their 20’s, raise a couple kids, and then in their 40’s, look for something younger, hotter, and with no kids. I can’t help but think that every married man thinks this way. I’m 37, and I have never been married. I don’t think I will ever get married. But if I did, it would be for good. It would be when I decided that I’m going to grow up, and grow old with my partner.
Your husbands are flawed, and in the end, wether they know it or not, they are the ones taking the risk of being alone. Unless they have enough cash to keep the hooker happy for the rest of their lives.
My suggestion, and keep in mind that I’m not all that good at relationships, but my advice would be to take action. Don’t think crazy thoughts like hurting yourself, just walk out on his ass. I don’t mean some drama where you pack in front of him and cry, I mean really look for another place to live, and consult with an attorney. It’s not a bluff. If he is unwilling to respect you, find someone who will. I promise you that you are far more likely to end up back with your husband (with mutual respect) than a divorce court.
The simple fact is that your husbands are walking over you because they think they can. Show them they can’t.
One more thing for each of you. Emma, Aussie accents are hot, so if you leave your husband you should come to the U.S. We go crazy for the accent here.
Louise, as much of a dick as I think your husband is, and as much as I think you need to get him to respect you, I promise he is not laughing at you in your lingerie. Believe it or not, I’m certain he appreciates it. Try being very subtle with the lingerie, don’t make an event of it, just have it on under our clothes. Subtle works better with longer relationships. Again, just a tip from a clueless guy. 🙂
Well, thanks Ed! I thought long and hard after reading your response and decided that I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. I was pretty frightened as I am totally dependant financially on my husband and have two kids to think about but your advice was excellent. I saw a lawyer and found out about custody of the kids/financial support/the house and I came home feeling quite confident about the future and sat down and confronted my husband (again). Well, it didn’t take very long for him to change his tune. When faced with losing his wife, children, the eventual public knowledge of his infidelity and the house he was devastated. I think he was quite shocked that I was prepared to leave him, I don’t think he thought I had it in me. I have decided to give him another chance and will just have to trust that he is telling me the truth when he is away for work. I don’t want to police his every move and it is not possible anyway.
Thanks again Ed. Let me know if you ever make it down to Australia, I can set you up with some girls!
Emma – I’m very glad to hear that you will be working it on with your husband on reasonable term. Even if that means denying the U.S. of one more Aussie hottie.
People often talk about the strength it takes to make a marriage work. I think you showed a lot of strength in handling this situation. Congratulations and good luck.
And I’ll be sure to let you know when I head down. Just so you know my type, I had a real thing for Olivia Newton-John. 🙂
Hi Emma and Ed
It is me, Louise again….Thankyou both for your comments, I really really appreciate them. The relection time I have had has been very enlightening for me as I have had time to reflect on how completely stupid my initial reaction has been as far as wanting to end my life over this (big)problem. I sat down with my boys and we talked about life, and the family, and my husband, and both my boys are obviously affected by what has happened (they dont know all the details, but enough)When I told them that I had had enough they just put their arms around me and told me how mad they thought their father was….I feel dreadful that I have been so self obsessed about this, and I had not thought through how my boys would feel if I wasnt there anymore-just because of my own neediness and dispair.
I have seen another counsellor who seems to make sense (when the previous ones didnt-or prehaps I was just not in the right place at the time?)
I have seen her twice now, and admit I feel a bit more positive. I have also seen photos of the other woman….I found them on my husbands phone…she is really not much to talk about-although that doesnt actually matter as she rings my husbands bell and I dont, so its irrelevant – however it does make me feel a little bit better that she is completely different to me, as if she was similar it would seem worse?? I cant explain why…..
BUT it has made me see this sad situation for what it is, and Ed, I am just beggining to see it is not about me or my failings or in fact anything to do with what I am or not………it is my husbands choice, and I cannot make him respect me. To try would be wrong and actually useless as it wouldnt work-he either does respect me or not, and he does not…..I am beggining to see it is his loss.
So whatever happens, and I am going to be around a while yet I hope, if he chooses to end our 20 year marriage over a tart, then he will lose out,
I have made an appointment to see a lawyer next week and am in the process of gathering documentation of husbands earning/our savings etc and our assetts.
I feel it will not be a clean fight but I do feel energised now and positive…….I am, though, terrified!
Whatever, I just want to thank you for your kind and empathetic words of advice and consolation.
Sorry Ed, I am not an Aussie! Just an English Lady!!
Good luck Emma to you-better you sort it out now than find out you are being deceived in 20 years time – my feeling is once a liar always a liar and a bit like a dog that has learnt to bite, I feel my huwsband will always be capable of lying and deceiving me – now I feel I can start again and if am on my own, it is NOT the end of the world – infact I think I may prefer it!!
Thankyou again and my love to you – Louise xxxxx
@Louise I’m glad you decided to take some action, and I’m glad you have your sons to lean on. I know that it’s a cliche to say it’s his loss, but obviously if he rather be with a woman he has to pay to be with him, clearly loss doesn’t even big to describe it. He’s a loser.
Good luck, and take him to the cleaners enough to set yourself up on the life you deserve.
And English accents are just as sexy to us Americans as Aussie. )
I have been married to my wife for 4 months now, and we have a baby. I love my wife more than anyting in the world. But i think that i am addicted to sex. I constantly cruise the internet looking for hookers, and have commited to them twice. I also believe that i am addicted to calling them. After my second time with an escort i vowed to never cheat again. And i have kept that vow. It has been almost a year. But i still call them all the time and look for them on the internet. I feel so guilty for that. My wife caught me doing it to. I had called one, got her voicemail, and she called back when i left my phone in another room and mmy wife answered. I was caught. The really sad thing is that i had no intention of wanting to meet her. That is the truth. But that doesnt matter, becuase even calling her is betraying my wife and might as well be cheating. My wife was devestated, obviously, and she still hurts, even though she says she is over it. I dont believe her. I love her so much, and want to not hurt her anymore. I need help. I still call them, and look for them, but i dont act on it, its an impulse i cant control. I feel so terrible. I am also a reservest, and was sent to Iraq, been here for a couple weeks now, and what do i do, look up hookers on craigslist. My heart aches for all the wives and girlfriends that put up postings on here, because that is how my wife must feel. I hate myself. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I dont know what to do. I someone reads all of this and can give me a little insight. Thank you.
@Tyler Thank you for commenting, this is an interesting point.
It’s hard to imagine that anyone could read what you just wrote and claim that this is not some for of addiction. The fact that you go through the motions, without the intention of following through is very telling. It sounds like it’s the excitement that you’re looking for.
And as we all know, wanting is far more powerful than having. Guys in relationships often find sex with prostitutes unfulfilling. These men are used to warm, active partners who will willingly do whatever the man wants, and usually without a condom. Where as prostitutes are often cold, clock watching, and distant. Everything is artificial, and it’s a turn off for a lot of guys. Does that sounds like how you feel?
I hate to ask a bunch of questions, but I’m curious about a couple things. First, is there a certain type of prostitute you look for? A certain look, hair color, age, etc…
Second, the times that you did follow through and have sex with a prostitute, how did you feel afterwards?
I do believe you are right about the excitement. When i did actually meet them, it was like a rush. I was afraid of getting caught, i was excited about the unknown, and thought it was a thrill. I didnt really look for any specific qualites, just attractiveness. They werent even really that good looking. While i was with them, I could only think about my wife, I actually fantasized i was having sex with her. When i got done, i immediately took a shower, and went straight home to be with my wife. I couldnt look her in the eys. She knew something was off. But never suspected that. I felt so horrible. And i did it again. The pain was to unbearable. I have been in iraq for a little while now, and been away from my wife for even longer while training. Since i have been gone i have had the opportunity to have sex with a girl in my unit. I basically walked away, and try to avoid her as much as i can. So to tell you how i feel, like sucm, like im not worthy to talk to my wife, let alone call her my wife. Im trying to find answers. I dont want to ever hurt her again. I am thinking about getting some counseling while im here, i want to see if i can resolve this. I know i must have some issues. Its always something deeper than what is actually going on. Maybe my obsession with looking them up and calling has nothing to do with why i do it. Maybe im bothered by something that happened in the past and this is the way i express it. I dont know. Maybe im just an asshole that treats his wife like shit by calling these people.
Dear Ed,
I just came across your website. I too am a betrayed wife. My husband of over 20 years has seen hookers for the past 10 years. It started with massage palors, then internet porn to “picking and clicking” hookers on line. I had no idea. I found some phones numbers with names and prices on it. Then found a cash withdraw slip for a large amount of money. But the following day he said he had no cash. The reason I never knew for 10 years is because he did it on his way home from work. He would set appointments up at 4:00 PM and leave work early and be home for dinner by 5:30 PM and never missed a dinner.I found cell phone records that showed he called me before he went into the hooker’s apartment and called me back when he left saying he was still at work. How would any wife really know what her husband does during his whole work day? A cheating husband has NO honor!
He never even took a shower after being with a hooker. He said they always used condoms with them but not with me. The gift I got was gential herpes for the rest of my life. He said the internet made it so easy to get a hooker close to his work. Most of the men at his job go to strip clubs during lunch and get oral sex from the strippers. Wonder why so many people get Herpes?
I blame both the cheating husbands and the hookers. Lucky for me both were arrested. He needed a lawyer and lost his job and she got a small fine and changed her name and pictures on the internet and is still hooking to this day. I would scrub toilets before I would sell my body to a stranger for money. It’s pathetic, and so degrading for a woman.
The cheating husbands will never feel the deep pain to what they have done to their wives. The loss of respect as a husband and a father. The hurt never goes away. Even with years of counseling my heart is BLACK. Not a day goes by that I don’t picture him a $275.00 hooker. For less then an hour he ruined my life. If they want to cheat with hookers than don’t get married and have children with someone.
Once you confront the cheating husband who pays for sex and his sick life style is uncovered the BEST revenge for a betrayed wife is
to stay married…….
he will end up paying you with the shame and guilt on his face for the rest of his life for what he put you and your children through.
Hi Dee, My experience is much the same. For years my man denied me sex claiming he was impotent while the whole time he was doing hookers and trannys. Disgusting. Cell phone records busted him, I recommend any woman who suspects cheating go to the web site of his cell carrier and click the "forgot my password" thing and answer his secret questions so you can get his password and look at his call list. Most men are too stupid to use proper security so it's not hard to guess.
@Dee Thanks for your comment, I appreciate that this must be an easy thing to rehash. I assume you left your husband then?
One thing I found interesting was that he would schedule his “meetings” between 4 and 5, which would get him home in time, so as to not arise any suspicion. Did he ever deviate from that schedule?
You describe a slow descent into this lifestyle that had its roots in online porn. Did he increase the times he met with the prostitute? Was it multiple prostitutes, or just the one you know of?
Hello Ed,
And thank you for your response. To answer your first question, NO I did not leave him. After 20 years of being faithful to him and two beautiful children ( one almost 18 and the other 12 ) I wasn’t going to let a pathethic cheating loser and a poor excuse for a woman bring down my life without a fight. The hookers think ALL wives are stupid…..just like he found hookers on the internet, we can use that same information as proof to confront the cheating husband about the truth.
No, he never deviated from his appointment times. That’s how come I never found out. Until he got sloppy with his “call” list. Yes, always a different hooker. Never the same one twice. All he looked for was the cheapest one and the one closest to his work location. He said how they all must go to the same “school”, they all act the same.
They lie about there ages and use pictures from when they were years younger. He said they all looked older and used up.
For the record for ALL the betrayed wives out there…the details of what they get for their cash is mechanical sex enough to get the job done and get rid of him. All the hooker’s want is the $money$! He said in counseling he could have done a better job by himself or bought a new pair of shoes.
When he went to that first hooker and broke our wedding vows he lost me forever. I have to stop blaming myself for not finding out something that was covered up so well. Like I stated before the BEST revenge is to stay married….I still have my beautiful house and children in private schools. He even bought me diamonds and a new car to help me forget. We graduated from counseling and no one even knows what he did to me. But I know and I hate him for it! He knows I only stayed with him because of the children. And someday he’ll know just how it feels to be lied to for years…..because I have my own “emotional” affair with men on line for over a year. It’s the only thing that keeps me going to know someday I can tell him how I lied to him for years. So he can feel the same deep hurt and pain that I did.
So just like him I hide my other life with him not have a clue what’s going on during the day. An eye for an eye! Marriage meant nothing to him and now it means nothing to me. Now, who is getting “screwed”.
Ed, it might sound harsh what I have said and people might say I’m no better than him. All I can say it’s my turn now! I’ve PAID my dues.
Hi Dee
I am a little envious that you are able to play “the long game” in this way, and it is something I have considered doing (my Husband, too, has had a series of whores over the past 2 years – I have posted previously if you want to read)
However, what you are doing is so energy consuming and emotionally tiring that it would be too much for me!
I have weighed up my options and I am going to divorce him – publicly – which I know will be ultra embarassing for him, but I have the support of my children in this.
I just wonder what the emotional toll is doing to you – but good luck to you and I hope it gets you where you feel you need to be.
L x
Hello Louise,
I’m waiting to see what Ed has to say too? Thanks for not judging me.
You know the deep hurt that our cheating husbands have brought to us.
I have chosen this path of revenge to help me feel better as a woman.
He took my feelings of love and caring away when he called the first
whore from the internet. (I’m so glad Ed let’s us call them what they are!) They think they are doing us a favor servicing our husbands and spreading STD’s. Let’s get one thing straight I blame the cheating husbands and the hookers both 100%. The only time he took off his wedding ring was when he went to a hooker…….like she even cared and God couldn’t see.
My revenge is ONLY a “emotional” one not a “phyiscal” one. I have never even met the men I have become friends with in over a year. It’s nice to have another man’s point of view. One has used hookers before he was married. The other would never be so pathetic to pay a woman to have sex with him, there are so many that will give it for free. My husband thinks he did me a favor buy going to hookers. He said I never had a long term relationship with another woman. That’s because he doesn’t know who to have a relationship with anyone!
I wish he would have and left me instead of taking all those years of my life away from me. I can’t look at anything we had together the same…wondering was he with a hooker before our child’s birthday party or one of our anniversaries. I did check all his cell phone records (had them all print out) I know every hooker he called.
My first question I asked him when I confronted him with all the evidence I had gathered within hours of finding the phone number, name and location along with nude pictures on her website was “Do you love her?” He laughed out loud and said “No!” See, I thought you would have to have some feelings for someone to be so intimate with. I think they call it “renting a hole”. Pretty sick. The hookers I believe give oral sex without a condom first. He said they use a condom but I don’t believe it. Gential herpes can be spread by skin to skin contact also. But no one talks about that.
We were both tested for HIV. It was negative. If I would have been giving a “death sentence” with HIV from him seeing hookers…well I won’t say here what I would have done. Think of how many men each of the hookers have had sex with? Now multiply that by how many hookers he has done…..pretty sickening. They want to be called “escorts” what a joke!)I’m sure eveyone saw Gov. Spitzer’s escort(whore)on TV saying “I wish I could tell HIS wife I’m sorry.”
This is why the wives of these cheating husbands need to find out what is really going on at business lunches and trips with the guys!
My feeling is if they want to pay for sex with a “rented hole” then just don’t come home and in get in my bed! And don’t threaten my health and life. The real question is who would raise my children if I died because of the spread of HIV. This is a wake up for wives not to be so trusting with our relationships.
So to answer your question….yes it does consume alot of energy to have an “emotional” relationship with a secret someone but the benefits out weigh the energy spent. I have found a true friendship and that is the only time I have been able to laugh or smile since my cheating husband’s lifestyle was revealed to me.
When I decide the time is right and I want to leave I will do it on my terms not on his. And the shock to him will be even greater than it was to me. I want him to know how it feels to be lied to for years and not have a clue about it. And I will never set eyes on him again.
Did I also mention after finding out out his hookers I found a secret bank account with a half a million dollars in it just for him. Well, the best day of my life was when we went to the bank to have my name put on the account becuase he was so sorry he hurt me. And I told the bank manager to write me a check in my name only for $10,000.00 dollars. She looked at him and he just nodded his head yes.I gave the money to another kind of DOG….the Humane Society.
So my “revenge” is to stay married to a man I loathe ….and he doesn’t even know it!
Thanks for listening…
Hi Dee, I found out my husband has been going to prostitutes for years & years at the end of last year. We have a young toddler who adores him. I would be happy to leave if it was just me, I dont believe I should subject my young child to struggle street just because my husband is a prick who can't keep his dick to himself.
Unfortunately most men haven't reached a stage of evolution where they are mature enough to accept the relationship isn't working for them & get out. Instead they act out with a range of bad behaviours and then expect the wives to accept it… He says that he would be devastated if I did the same thing as him (I didn't) so tell me how the hell does that work? He can have his dick in any young attractive whore he likes but if I so much as look at another guy he flips out. And they wonder why there are so many bitter women walking this earth.
If you want to be pals please give me your email address, I would be very interested to have an emotional relationship with someone of my own. Maybe that would cheer me up.
Regards,
Michelle.
Dee
You are actually incredibly brave, and I would not judge you for a moment……..I KNOW this pain, it is hideous…….and completely understimated by anyone who has not felt it.
It is uniquely ghastly and the worst piece (for me) is the years of deceit, and the lying…
To think we have wasted some of, if not much of, our best years on a shit – is horrible.
It has taken me a long time, though not as long as you – to realise I am worth more than a rented hole (fantastic term!)
I now will get back what I am entitled to, and that is recognition,respect and self worth……. I will not endure any more of the betrayal, lies and cheating anymore.
You keep on keeping on, and when the time comes for you – ENJOY !
You are worth so so much more………….again, Good Luck, and kindest of wishes
Louise
I am a man who used escorts. My wife found out after I gave her herpes. I live with the shame and guilt everyday. Looking back I don’t know why I did it. It seemed more exciting and really reved my engines. I am now on antidepressants and anti anxiety pills and can’t get a good night sleep. We are on the verge of a divorce and I can’t say I blame her. Looking back it was all very stupid, like an out of control compulsion. My life has been ruined.